Thursday, April 20, 2006

Democrats Angrily Refute Claims of Competence

Following repeated Republican claims of difficult mid-term elections this fall, the Democrats have responded with vigor. "I'm not going to let years of brand-building go to waste while I'm Chairman," stated Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean. "We had a big setback in the 90's with the election of Bill Clinton, but we overcame that. Al Gore's surprising campaign in 2000 hearkened back to the glory days of Carter, Mondale and Dukakis. And John just upped the bar in 2004. I'm not about to let their struggles be for naught. If the Republicans think that they are in danger of losing seats in Congress, they're in for a big surprise. It may seem like we just fall back-asswards into defeat every election, but the kind of systematic incompetence we've demonstrated over the last 20-30 years takes hard work by a lot of people."

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid added, "I think the upcoming election cycle is going to be a defining moment for the party. We've been given some tough obstacles to overcome, but I'm certain that we're up to the task. In the past we haven't always brought our A game, but we will this year. Some so-called ‘experts’ might have you believe that the President’s lowered popularity will lead to a big Democrat win, but I’m here to tell you that the Party of Lincoln has nothing to fear from the Party of Mondale."

Tom DeLay, recently resigned from his House position, countered by saying, "I had to resign so we could get a candidate without my ethical baggage to defeat what promises to be one of many stout Democratic challenges across the country. I'm just glad that I'm not going to be in the House, much less the Majority Leader in charge when we lose control of the House."

Dean laughed off the claims of the fiery Texan. "If Tom Delay thinks we're going to sit back and let minor controversies like Dick Cheney shooting a man, child molesters in Homeland Security, the Katrina response, or continued revelations of inadequate planning for Iraq stand in the way of a complete collapse of our campaigns, he has another thing coming. I proved pretty convincingly that I could destroy a single campaign after my Iowa caucus debacle, and now I'm out to prove it on a nation-wide stage. The President could kill Miss America on live TV and it wouldn't lead to a Democratic majority in either House -- I guarantee it."

When reached for a response, the office of Vice-President issued this short statement: "While the President and Vice-President continue to monitor the domestic political situation, their energies remain focused on continuing to strengthen the US from its enemies both domestically and internationally. However, the continued outrages of the Miss America will not go unpunished. The administration has not ruled out any course of action."

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