Since no one asked, here are my resolutions, minus the standard, "lose weight", "get in shape", "stop serial killing" ones that everyone makes.
1. Fake my own death
2. Ignore all election coverage outside of The Onion & The Daily Show
3. Mend fences with my exes
4. Stop throwing my exes under the bus to mutual acquaintances
5. Escalate blaming of exes when talking to anyone else
6. Try dental tape instead of dental floss
7. Alienate more friends & family before their birthdays, reconcile immediately afterward
8. Swear less in English
9. Swear more in German
10. Drink less at home
11. Drink more at work
12. Look into switching to a more respected career -- organized crime, oil industry lobbyist, etc.
13. Wear chaps more often
14. Keep caffeine addiction to a manageable minimum
15. Discover whether or not San Marino is, indeed, a myth.