Friday, February 15, 2008

My Opening Statement Before the Congressional Hearing

Some of you may have heard the allegations that my blogging prowess and continued hilarity over the last 5 has been due to performance-enhancing drugs. This is patently untrue. The injections I received in my buttocks from an unlicensed, non-medical professional in the privacy of an alley behind the train station were merely a mixture of vitamin B12, rose hips and cinnamon (it adds the appearance of sweetness without sugar). I took these injections based on the solid medical advice of my grandmother, who regularly watched "Marcus Wellby, M.D." and "Quincy, M.E." and was married to a pharmacist for OVER 50 YEARS. There is absolutely no evidence that I took HHGH (Human Humor Growth Hormone) or witabolic steroids and the public bouts of "anger" I have shown recently are a response to man's inhumanity to man, not "roid rage". I will continue to strongly refute these allegations at all opportunities that don't involve a lie detector.

Further, any discussions that Chad, Brent or the other Lemurs might "recall" are unfortunate instances of their poor memory or general unreliability. Statements they claim I made, such as "I take HHGH injections regularly," "I need to get some more 'roids before this next post" or "I hope this isn't being taped", are clearly erroneous and/or taken out of context. Also, they're all shifty, no-good liars. But we're still very good friends and I look forward to socializing with them often at Jose Canseco's house.


Ryan said...

Why did I just have this horrible image of Chad sticking a needle in JT's ass??? God, that's going to be with me for awhile...

Anonymous said...

You blew it now buster! I'm gonna have to release the photo of the syringe and bloody gauze.

Personal trainer and neer-do-well

jtingermany said...

First of all, the syringe was from my heroin addiction. Arnold Schwarzenegger was my dealer -- that explains any traces of steroids.

Second, the bloody gauze was from my ill-fated attempt to create a vampire mummy.