My Opening Statement Before the Congressional Hearing
Some of you may have heard the allegations that my blogging prowess and continued hilarity over the last 5 has been due to performance-enhancing drugs. This is patently untrue. The injections I received in my buttocks from an unlicensed, non-medical professional in the privacy of an alley behind the train station were merely a mixture of vitamin B12, rose hips and cinnamon (it adds the appearance of sweetness without sugar). I took these injections based on the solid medical advice of my grandmother, who regularly watched "Marcus Wellby, M.D." and "Quincy, M.E." and was married to a pharmacist for OVER 50 YEARS. There is absolutely no evidence that I took HHGH (Human Humor Growth Hormone) or witabolic steroids and the public bouts of "anger" I have shown recently are a response to man's inhumanity to man, not "roid rage". I will continue to strongly refute these allegations at all opportunities that don't involve a lie detector.
Further, any discussions that Chad, Brent or the other Lemurs might "recall" are unfortunate instances of their poor memory or general unreliability. Statements they claim I made, such as "I take HHGH injections regularly," "I need to get some more 'roids before this next post" or "I hope this isn't being taped", are clearly erroneous and/or taken out of context. Also, they're all shifty, no-good liars. But we're still very good friends and I look forward to socializing with them often at Jose Canseco's house.