Thursday, April 16, 2009

The Faux Friend Scale

We all have "friends" that we would never dream of turning to for help, people whose relationship to us bears no resemblance to that of our close friends. Of course, many of these "friends" develop into real friends, but until then? Faux Friends. The scale runs from 1 to 10, with 10 being the friend equivalent of navel lint -- it's attached to you but only because you're too lazy to get rid of it.

Faux Friend ArchetypeIdentifying CharacteristicsWhy Keep Them In My Life?Faux-tacity
Former Best FriendsYou used to be great pals but now you've drifted away.Remember the time...1
Team FriendsYou play sports with these guysHating your teammates only is cool if you're a professional athlete -- Just ask Kobe or TO 2
Work FriendsYou feign respect for the same set of management monkeysPiss him/her off and guess who's spotlighted for downsizing? 3
Church / Temple / Mosque / Cult FriendsYou see each other once a week -- 3 times a week if you're BaptistNot a good idea to piss off one of the Saved/Chosen/Anointed/Fallen Ones4
4 Drinks Into A Night FriendsThey were pretty cool after 3-9 pints of Guinness They are pretty cool after 3-9 pints of Guinness 5
Email Forward FriendsYou only communicate via "funny" email forwardsYou don't want to miss the upcoming "Best Daily Show Palin Jokes" list 6
"Let's Just Be Friends" FriendsThe tramp/asshat you were stupid/crazy enough to dateTwo words: Backslide Sex 7
Significant Other's FriendsYou see them once a month while still dating, which is once more than you will after breaking up.Two Words: Revenge Sex 8
Vacation FriendsEveryone is more appealing with a beach and a sunset in the backgroundBlowing them off will be EXTREMELY awkward when you bump into them in Aruba next year9
Facebook FriendsYou don't know where you met, but you know s/he's eating chicken for dinnerCriminals always choose someone with no contacts to execute as an example -- having a large number of these guys could buy you some time10


Jules said...

Whenever I feel like work is just about to drag me under, I check your blog and am brought back to life!

jtingermany said...

Glad I can help!

Jadarockstar said...

not sure where I fall on this scale....i'm kinda scared to find out. yikes.