Incompetent Ref Found Dead In Parking Lot After Company Soccer Tournament

Mönchengladbach (AP) -- Semi-competent referee Noname Jackass was found dead in the Borussia Mönchengladbach parking lot after the semi-annual Citi Cup football (soccer) tournament. Witnesses said that they observed him acting in a "suspicious manner" while "clearly bearing a grudge to the Credit Showstoppers." Polizei are said to be investigating an incident in which a Showstoppers player leapt over a Regensburg player for a beautiful headed goal which was called back by Mr. Jackass for "unsportsmanlike competence." Polizei Führer Hardaschenkickermann stated that "the cause of death was most likely suffocation due to the victim's unfortunate placement of his head in his rectum." He continued, "All witnesses agree, if there ever was a moron that was bitin' for a smitin', it was him." Polizei are also asking for help in claiming the deceased as "no one will admit they knew him, much less are related to him."

In unrelated news, cynicism and bitterness among Americans is at a 2-year high in Germany.