Monday, September 07, 2009

Boston or Minneapolis? Let Me Help You, Ricky Rubio

A lot of sportswriters have been tearing into Ricky Rubio for "betraying" the Timberwolves. Let's all just settle down. He's 18, and correctly making this kind of decision takes years of experience with making tough decisions and seeing the emotional and physical devastation these choices will bring. So, I'm here to help you, Ricky. Sure, you can handle the rock, but I can bring the pain*.

Leaving the money part aside, let's look at his choices, which cover two main topics:

A. Playing for the T-Wolves vs FC Barcelona
B. Living in Minneapolis vs Barcelona

A. Sure, the NBA is the best hoops league on the planet, with the best players. But is playing for the worst team in the best league better than playing for one of the best teams in the second-best (Euro League) league? I'm thinking no. The T-wolves are not bad -- they are a malignant lump in the NBA's armpit. This is a team so inept that is being sued for copyright infringement by the Washington Generals** AND the estate of the Three Stooges.

B. This one needs a bit more exploration, so let's break it down, point-by-point:
1. Weather: One is a popular beach destination in summer and pleasant in the winter. The other has two seasons: winter and road repair. Advantage: Barcelona
2. Food: Paella vs. Cheese Curds: HUGE Advantage: Barcelona
3. Famous Residents: Barcelona claims Pablo Picasso, Antonio Gaudi and Salvador DalĂ­ -- All dead. The Twin Cities have Prince.
Chappelle's Show
True Hollywood Stories - Prince
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At least he'll cook you pancakes after beating your ass in hoops. Advantage: Minneapolis.
4. Women: I've been to both cities, and non-tourist women in Barcelona seemed to come in two varieties: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz. In Minneapolis there are also two categories (but no tourists): My smokin' hot friends/crushes from college and women wearing shapeless clothing because it's too damn cold to care. If Ricky can stick with Kristen, Annie, Sara, Julia, Carrie, Nicole, etc., then it's MN. But otherwise, he should stick with... Advantage: Barcelona
5. Nightlife: One starts at 1 am. One ends at 2 am. Advantage: Barcelona.

So, it's clear, Ricky had no choice but to spurn the frigid wastes of the Midwest and head for MidMediterranean. Let us all hope that

* I can't, but it sounds tough, right?
** The Clippers and Knicks are co-defendants

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