Tuesday, November 17, 2009

LOTR Rewatch: Fellowship of the Ring Part 1

In my gimpdom, I've decided to rewatch the Lord of the Rings extended editions. And, of course, I have snarky comments to share. Enjoy!

1:15 - Galadriel has man hands. And why do the rings for humans look like yearbook rings?

2:00 - Sauron has something of a beer gut - perhaps ring-forging isn't very good exercise?

5:25 - Note to self: do not trust magic rings imbued with all the malice of evil beings. It's pretty much the worst girlfriend, ever -- beautiful, alluring, exciting, but sucks the life out of you and abandons you whenever it best suits its needs. Also, it apparently prevents the owner from having other female companionship (see: Gollum; Baggins, Bilbo; and Baggins, Frodo) yet doesn't give any of the other benefits of a girlfriend. Or so we hope.

10:00 - It's impressive just how fugly most of the adult hobbits are. Apart from those with named roles, of course.

17:30 - The Sackville-Bagginses: the forgotten villains of the Lord of the Rings.

19:30 - I realize that it's supposed to be tobacco, but Bilbo raving about "the finest weed in the South Farthing", and the characters' devoted obsession to it, make me think that "pipeweed" is at least partially responsible for hobbits' massive appetites.

20:25 - It's not surprising that Sam is head over heels for Rosie -- she's the only hot hobbit. Strong work, Sam. Or it would be, if he actually did anything.

24:30 - Bilbo really sets the standard for sneakily snarky birthday toasts to moochers you don't really like. A small niche, granted, but one that he thoroughly dominates.

31:30 - Gandalf does a spectacular job of weaseling out of any explanations here. And Sauron wins Best Villainous Lair until further notice.

33:00 - And now, Gandalf goes to ... the library!

38:00 - So, Frodo's big solution is... hide the ring under some papers. In a chest. In his house.

41:30 - Frodo has to leave NOW, because he's being chased by horrid, nasty things. Gandalf has to go hang out with his wizard buddy. But Sam should be a fine replacement.

44:00 - Aaaaaaannnnnddddd the long walk begins.

47:00 - Time for Gandalf the Grey to chat with Saruman the Slovenly.

50:00 - What is it about Christopher Lee that makes him so good at playing the powerful good wizard turned to evil (see also: Dooku, Count)? I think it's the combination of the eyebrows and the teeth.

56:00 -- So, Sauron's top henchmen can't cross water? No wonder they get flying lizards in the next flick.

1:00:00 - And Pippin's streak of uselessness begins.

1:05:00 - Another weakness of the Nazgul? Not so good at telling live bodies from pillows. They also always fall for the old flaming-bag-of-dog-crap trick on the doorstep of Barad-Dur.

1:09:30 - So is Saruman just going to starve Gandalf to death? Or did he forget about him with all the orc-excitement?

1:16:30 - This is the evil Middle-Earth equivalent of the scene in every A-Team episode where they have to build something. Just replace welding with molten steel and a battering ram with big-ass orcs.

1:23:10 - Nice to know that even Nazgul panic -- they stupidly try to outrun the river rather than just riding to either shore. SIlly ringwraiths!

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