Saturday, May 30, 2009

Incompetent Ref Found Dead In Parking Lot After Company Soccer Tournament



Mönchengladbach (AP) -- Semi-competent referee Noname Jackass was found dead in the Borussia Mönchengladbach parking lot after the semi-annual Citi Cup football (soccer) tournament. Witnesses said that they observed him acting in a "suspicious manner" while "clearly bearing a grudge to the Credit Showstoppers." Polizei are said to be investigating an incident in which a Showstoppers player leapt over a Regensburg player for a beautiful headed goal which was called back by Mr. Jackass for "unsportsmanlike competence." Polizei Führer Hardaschenkickermann stated that "the cause of death was most likely suffocation due to the victim's unfortunate placement of his head in his rectum." He continued, "All witnesses agree, if there ever was a moron that was bitin' for a smitin', it was him." Polizei are also asking for help in claiming the deceased as "no one will admit they knew him, much less are related to him."

In unrelated news, cynicism and bitterness among Americans is at a 2-year high in Germany.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Anticlimactic - Definition



When you win your league title with a 0-0 over a rival.

I'll be reusing this post title in a few weeks when King James and the Li'l Lebrons win the NBA title.

Newt, Are You The Pot or The Kettle?



According to CNN.com, Newt Gingrich said in a recent interview, "She is a trivial politician, viciously using partisanship for the narrowest of purposes, and she dishonors the Congress by her behavior".

I love it when public figures have no self-awareness!

Now, don't take this as my support of Pelosi -- she's a blowhard jackass*. If she did lie about her knowledge of waterboarding, she should resign as Speaker. But Newt is the GOP version of Pelosi** -- obnoxious, bombastic, divisive and petty (he admitted to having gone ahead with the government shutdown because he was miffed that Clinton made him sit at the back of Air Force One).

All I want is for Newt and Nancy to go back to the traditional jobs of trolls -- living under bridges. They can even keep wearing their asshats, if they want.


* still my favorite word.
** More accurately, she's the Dem version of Gingrich.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

It's Official -- I'm A Dumbass



On my way to the track to run sprints today, I managed to brutally manslaughter (bikeslaughter?) St. Larry FIne*. I was distracted while riding on a bike path. By what, you ask? Normally, it would have been a hot cyclist, pedestrian or the partial nudity common in German advertising. But today? A church. I was trying to figure out what the building was when I ran into a post (it was doing its job of preventing thru traffic rather spectacularly). The front wheel and fork of my bike were mangled and I was tossed over the handlebars, landing on my hands and right knee. Ouch.
WARNING: GRAPHIC VIOLENCE and KNEE-NUDITY





Fortunately, my momentum was slowed by said post, leaving a nice straight bruise.


Fortunately a dad and his kid and a nice lady on a bike stopped to help me. They gave me a iodine wipe to clean the wound and offered to help me home. I stumbled off in a daze (which took about 45 minutes to go away), then sheepishly made my way to the track.

On my tram ride home with a mangled bike, I realized that a mild smiting had been laid upon me while looking at a church -- clearly a sign that I need to stay away from holy places. I may be the only person you know who's been given a restraining order by the Man Upstairs! Or I might just be a dumbass. Hard to say. I wonder how Pharaoh felt on the subject?

* My bike, patron saint of easily stolen objects, but not the patron saint of easily distracted cyclists.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Justice JT - I Like The Sound of That



The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c
Justice Is Bland
thedailyshow.com
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With David "Tooter" Souter stepping down from the Court, I have to throw my hat into the ring. I appeal to both sides of the political aisle. My qualifications:
- I have NO embarassing legal skeletons in my closet.
- I'm single, so I'll be quite lucrative for DC charities doing bachelor auctions
- I look great in black
- I read "The Nine" and "The Challenge: Hamdan v. Rumsfeld" recently, so I'm up to date on my judicialiciousness
- I don't have a car, so the administration can sell my parking space to help reduce the deficit.

I have to say, those are a solid set of reasons. Counterpoints?

Sunday, May 10, 2009

This Was A Little Unnerving




While waiting for my rental car back in December, I was more than a little taken aback to realize the guy in front of me was wearing:
- The same backpack as me, even in the same color
- The same running shoes, again in the same color as me
- Jeans and a blue Gore-Tex-y jacket with black trim -- again, the same as me.

He was also the same height and build, though I was relieved to see his doppelgängertivity ended with the hair -- he was balding, I'm not*.



* No matter what that moron of a barber claimed in college.

Now, THIS is Weaseling



It's extremely common in sports for GMs (or team presidents) to hire and fire coaches to cover their asses. But Bayern Munich has set an example for how it should be done. With 4 games left (out of 38) and needing wins in all, Chairman Rummenigge fired Klinsmann. What makes this brilliant is the timing: if Bayern does win out (it should, with a fairly easy schedule), he's a "genius" for pulling the switch at the right time. If they don't win out, it's Klinsmann's fault (and no mention that he was Rummenigge's first choice for the job). And either way, enough time was given to Klinsi to make it his fault rather than the fault of those who hired him.

So, the lesson in leadership is: if you make a mistake, ignore it until you can try to fix it at the last minute and either get credit or dodge the blame.

Saturday, May 09, 2009

God Is On Facebook?!?



A few of my friends are fans of God on Facebook. I'm not sure if I'm exhibiting faith by not joining up (what with the omnipetence and all) or flaunting a smite-able level of agnosticism (Motto: Religion For The Commitment-Phobes!). So I'm giving it 40 days and 40 nights and seeing if any of them mention frogs, pillars of flame or unexplained deaths of first-born. If not? I'm a fan. In the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit I went through the same mental process when I saw my friends becoming fans of LeBron James*.



* I think his alleged basketball divinity is overrated.

Friday, May 08, 2009

Thursday, May 07, 2009

A Cappella Simpsons!




With the exception of concerts involving roommates, this is pretty much as good as a cappella gets. The real shocker? Women in a cappella*!

Also in the same meme:


And on an increasingly less related tangent (though the comments on this one are MONEY!):





* Apparently they've broken through the glass cellar of campus music. Amongst the assload of "Viva La Vida" and other a cappella versions of Coldplay songs there were a smattering of women in the groups. What's next, women in comic book stores?

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Champions League Diary: Chelsea-Barcelona 2nd Leg, 2nd Half



Just like Erin Andrews, I like to take a quick shower at halftime of the game I'm covering. Unlike Ms. Andrews, I like to cover the 2nd half in my houserobe, boxers and flip flops. If it was good enough for Howard Cosell, it's good enough for me.

50:02 - Nice save by Valdes on Drogba, but a better pass would have made this 2-0.

51:22 - Alves is one whiny punk. After spending most of the 1st half hacking and whining, he starts the 2nd by bitching at a teammate for allowing Alves to shoot 10 yards over the goal.

58:55 - Barca apparently thinks that the "short corner" means "kick it to Chelsea players in the penalty box".

59:40 - Alves seems to think he's crossing to Paul Bunyan.

81:00 - The game has devolved into a series of Chelsea pleas for penalties. Ladies and Gentlemen, the beautiful game!

92:00 - NICE! Barcelona had done absolutely nothing (other than watch Alves kick field goals) until this drive. Ouch for Chelsea, and totally undeserved.

Champions League Diary: Chelsea-Barcelona 2nd Leg, 1st Half



0:56 - Ok, the feed into Chez T started a bit late due to 30 Rock running a few minutes late.

9:ish - WOW. Maybe the best goal I've seen in Champion's League play. Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini both call press conferences to take credit for the quality of the goal. Hope Solo is being interviewed on the sideline saying she could have stopped it.

13:16 - Now, this is soccer -- passing the ball across the back, hopeless clears by the defense. Even Beckenbauer must think this is ugly.

16:01 - Barca is having trouble starting their quick touch-quick flop offense.

16:30 - Frank Lampard, showing English finishing style, injures a woman in the upper deck with his open shot from 8 yards.

19:00 - I like the extremely shiny bald refs. Why is it that NBA refs insist on the Larry Fine? It always seems like games are being run by monks in cheap gray t-shirts.

24:00 - For fans of free kicks that run parallel to the goal line, that was a classic.

26:05 - I am pretty sure the ref missed that potential PK when he had to shoot some perp.

29:02 - I didn't realize that Barca had signed a Landon Donovan impersonator.

42:00 - OK, I got a bit distracted by Photoshop Elements.

43:10 - It takes a big man to pass back to the 'keeper -- from midfield.

45:00 - Arguing with the ref after he's called time -- has this EVER worked? Are they hoping that he'll say, "You know, you do deserve another chance to score. I hadn't thought of that."

A great shot, not a great half. Barcelona dominated -- until the goal. They've looked shell-shocked since. Which is odd, because with the away goal rule, they're still just a goal from the final.