Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Best of 2000s: Dumbest Athletes, Part 1 -- Sex Scandals

Professional athletes are famous, in good shape*, rich and travel a lot. This is a recipe for extramarital sex, and lots of it. So it takes some work for an athlete to be an idiot for sexual reasons. However, these are focused men (female athletes are apparently much more discreet, or possibly discrete in terms of relationships), and they have the drive to make this list happen.

10. Stephon Marbury - Marbury is many things, but a smooth-talker isn't one of them. His pickup line for a Knicks intern? "Are you going to get in the truck?" What girl could resist? Apparently not the type that interns for the Knicks.

9. Tiger Woods - Just having affairs is not worthy of inclusion on this list. But to get caught with a large parade of women is not the meaning of "high-performance" that Accenture is paying you for.

8. Kazuhito Tadano - While I would commend an athlete for coming out of the closet, taking a role in a gay porn video is not a smart career move. He claims he was doing it just for the money, unlike all those gay porn actors who do it to express their inner artist.

7. Kobe Bryant - Here's a tip, Kobe. If you're going to cheat on your wife, make sure whatever happens is consensual -- it'll save you $4 mil in jewelry.

6. The Egyptian Soccer Team - At the 2009 Confederations Cup, several members of the Egyptian soccer team complained of having their hotel rooms robbed. However, the cops had strong suspicions that the hookers the men hired to help them celebrate their victory over Italy cleaned the men out.

5. Mark Chmura - If you're going to refuse to meet Bill Clinton because you "lost respect" for him over the Lewinsky affair, you probably shouldn't be hanging out in a hot tub at a post-prom party WITH YOUR 17-YEAR-OLD BABYSITTER.

4. Roger Clemens - C'mon Rocket, I know those blond country singers are hot, but you really should stick to the ones over 18.

3. Michael Vick, aka Ron Mexico - Lots of athletes have unprotected sex. Not that many get busted for doing so KNOWING they have the herp. Vick is rumored to have done just this without mentioning this to his hookup, all while staying at hotels under the pseudonym Ron Mexico.

2. Minnesota Vikings - Minneapolis can be a bit tame, and Fred Smoot knew how to liven it up -- rent a boat, fly in prostitutes from Atlanta & Florida, and then let things develop naturally. Well, "naturally" might not be the right word. The crew claimed to have witnessed "Masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, woman on man, woman on woman, man on man, toys, double penetration, middle of the floor, middle of the couches, middle of the room." That is definitely not what "Minnesota Nice" was when I was in college there.

1. Ronaldo - The Brazilian Ronaldo, now most famous for either his gut or his inability to distinguish male transvestite hookers from females. In April 2008, he took 3 prostitutes back to a hotel to help take his mind off his recovery from knee surgery, only to discover that they weren't fugly women -- they were transvestites. He quickly tried to back out of the tryst, but the damage to his reputation had been done.

* Excluding baseball players and golfers.


Chad W said...

In Marbury's defense, that Billy Ocean song WAS pretty sweet.

It's good of the Egyptian website to clarify that they were burgled, not robbed.

Anonymous said...


Chad W said...

Sooooooo... apparently the text verification isn't working so well!

jtingermany said...

Chad, your Chinese clearly needs work. Raymon disagrees with me on the Egypt scandal, but he is also a big fan of Billy Ocean. Or, as he's known in China, taiwansex-taiwankiss

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