Thursday, January 07, 2010

Best of 2000s: Dumbest Athletes, Part 2 -- Dumb Sports Figures

When coaches make bad calls in a game, GMs make stupid trades or signings, or announcers say dumb things, this is just bad job performance. They have to do something outside the realm of their normal job description to make this list. As always, suggestions are welcome!

10. Jim Harrick, Jr. - The course he taught on basketball, filled with a player or two, had such tough final exam questions as, "How many goals are on a basketball court?" Several Knicks executives thought the exams were "unfairly biased against the literate."

9. Tom Cable, Raiders Head Coach - Only the Raiders could have a head coach assault an assistant, break his jaw, and not get fired. I just hope Al Davis' corpse doesn't read this blog, or he might sic Cable on me. He definitely isn't busy preparing for the playoffs. Then again, he might just threaten to move the team again.

8. Max Mosley - It's not just athletes that have sex scandals! Nothing quite prepares you for a tough week of presiding over the FA like a good ol' Nazi-themed sex party. Especially if you're a year older than my dad. Wow.

7. Denny Green, Arizona Cardinals Coach - "The Bears are who we thought they were... If you want to crown 'em, then crown their ass!"

6. Mike Gundy, OSU Football Coach - What are postgame press conferences for? To rant about newspaper articles, of course. My favorite line is early on, "This was brought to me by a mother... of children."

5. Rick Pitino - So, you're out to celebrate hiring Reggie Theus as an assistant coach, and you realize a) a woman hassling you for tickets is hot and b) there's an empty back room perfect for a full-court press. How do you deal with this? Obviously, you hit it and then offer to pay for her abortion. Unfortunately, you forget to ask BEFORE sex where she stands on blackmail. Damn!

4. Larry Eustachy - While coach of Iowa State, Eustachy at least twice went to campus parties after losses by his team. Road losses. And the parties were at Kansas State and in Missouri. He resigned, citing alcoholism, but, still, wouldn't a bar have been easier, Larry?

3. Al Davis, Oakland Raiders Owner* - 6 head coaches in the decade, a series of 2nd or 3rd round talent as 1st round picks, and an offensive coordinator whose previous job was operator of a bed and breakfast. It boggles my mind that there are still Raiders fans.

2. Donald Sterling, LA Clippers Owner - Sterling has always been a cheapskate owner, but now it's clear he's also an all-purpose asshat. He's being sued for racial discrimination in his housing developments, and he's a big fan of a $500-a-pop prostitute. It's bad enough Clippers fans have to watch the Clippers -- to see a game, they have to give this moron money.

1. Joe Namath - Sure, Broadway Joe was just saying what we were all thinking, "I want to kiss you. I couldn't care less about the team strugg-aling." Truer words were never spoken. Nice work by Suzy Kolber to keep it vaguely professional.

* These are all 5 parts of his press conference to fire Lane Kiffin. It's mesmerizing.

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