Thursday, January 07, 2010

Best of 2000s: Dumbest Athletes, Part 3 -- The Best Of The Best

Athletes really worked hard the last decade to be morons. No longer is Shawn Kemp-style fertility or Dikembe Mutombo's legendary "Who wants to sex Mutombo?" enough to make the list. No, this decade required more. However, some went too far, so if a death was involved, the person was ineligible, even if he was a complete moron like repeated-drunk-driving-while-on-the-cell-phone-with-no-seatbelt Josh Hancock.

Honorable Mention: Dwayne Rudd - If you're going to celebrate a victory, make sure the time has expired before taking off your helmet -- or you might cost your team the game. It's rare that you say one play cost you the game, but here it's clear. Nice work, brainiac.

10. Anthony Carter - This is really for his agent, but if I had a contract deadline worth $4.1 MILLION, I might give my guy a ring to make sure he'd faxed the form in.

9. Rafael Palmeiro - Sure, Congress lies to us ALL THE TIME. But it's not a great idea to lie to them. But Rafy taught us, if you're going to lie, do it with authority. He did, and the spineless weasels let him off in spite of his obvious perjury.

8. Gilbert Arenas - So, you've weaseled out of a bet and want to avoid paying. Do you a) claim you were joking b) put guns in front of your claimant and tell him to pick one to use outside or c) pay the rumored $100,000 so that the $77 million remaining on your contract doesn't get voided. Hibachi might go with a), Agent Zero perhaps b), but none of the Arenas personalities would pick c).

7. Najeh Davenport - First of all, Brianna, this wasn't me. Higgy will no doubt write a post about my most embarassing moments of the decade, but IT WASN'T ME that broke into a woman's dorm room and TOOK A DUMP IN HER LAUNDRY. Don't trust Higgy on this!

6. Jay Williams, Ben Roethlisberger - You're a young star athlete with a huge contract that expressly forbids riding motorcycles. You know you can successfully hide head injuries with your natural idiocy. The only question is, will coach notice the road rash? This is only a tie because Big Ben was lucky and Jay wasn't.

5. Michael Vick - Not for being into dogfighting, which is more evil than stupid, but for thinking that you can lie to the league in the midst of a federal investigation and they won't figure it out. "Roger Goodell probably doesn't read the papers, I should be fine."

4. Latrell Sprewell - You've been offered a contract worth roughly $25 million for three years of basketball, but you feel you're worth more. How do you phrase this for the media? At the Sprewell School of Sports Speak, you'll learn valuable techniques like, "Why would I want to help them win a title? They're not doing anything for me. I'm at risk. I have a lot of risk here. I got my family to feed. Anything could happen." Of course, "anything" might include "not playing in the NBA again after that season", "having your $1.5 million yacht repossessed" or "being a fing moron".

3. Nate Newton - You've retired from pro football, and you've got time on your hands between the breakfast and lunch buffets at Golden Corral. What do you do? If you're Nate Newton, you fill up the back of your pickup with 200 pounds of pot and head out! And if the cops catch you? Wait five weeks, then try again with 175 pounds. Of course, if you're a former Dallas Cowboy, such idiocy will only cost you 30 months of your life. And no real damage to your intellectual reputation, such as it was.

2. OJ Simpson - Ineligible for the 90s list, OJ reexamined his game and took a break from his nonstop search for the real killer to plan his move. In September 2007, he was ready. Apparently unaware that he might be somewhat recognizable to sports memorabilia dealers, OJ led a group of men to steal some of his memorabilia that he claims was stolen from him. He did not wear a disguise or mask. Dumbass.

1. Plaxico Burress - Isn't on this list for shooting himself, wearing sweatpants to a club, or carrying a gun he didn't have a license for. He's on it for thinking that the comfy waistband of his sweats is "loose enough to wear, but tight enough to holster!"

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