Friday, August 13, 2010

Live Blogging - The Wizard of Oz Part 1

Go to for the original photo

Ok, it's in my Top 10 (maybe Top 5) of movies, and I haven't seen it for over 10 years. The last time was in the theater, and I still remember this review (which is a hilarious list of reasons why the movie scared him as a kid). Go, read it, laugh, then come back. If I refer back to it without quoting, it's an homage, not stealing.

0:00 - Is it true that Judy Garland demanded a rug made out of the MGM lion during one of her benders?

0:30 - Is the production company, Loew's Inc., a forerunner of Loew's the DIY store?

1:00 - If you're watching this with Pink Floyd in the background, you need to light up your joint... now.

2:00 - I wish movies today had dedications. I'm betting Transformers 2's would read "To Old Scratch, without your contract, I never could have made it big -- Michael Bay"

3:00 - Just how many amphetamines did Garland take before filming? She's like a hummingbird on Red Bull.

3:30 - "Your head ain't made out of straw, you know." A pretty funny throwaway line there.  Probably just Kansas humor, I wouldn't pay any attention to it.

4:00 - Dorothy just fell into what is apparently the world's only sterile pig pen. Too bad she missed that lecture about being brave while she was walking the rails like Frauzi.

5:00 - "Feed the hogs before they worry themselves into anemia." How is that not as famous as "I'll get you, my pretties!"?

5:30 - First song, and it's "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." It's amazing: she looks 16, acts 12, and sings like she's 30.

7:30 - What happened to sepia tone, anyway? I think Iron Man 2 would've looked great in Sepiavision.

9:30 - I have to admit, this whole Kansas scene totally slipped my mind. I forgot that Kansas-witch wanted to kill Toto. Apparently Kansas during the Great Depression wasn't as wonderful as I've heard.

12:00 - This Professor seems a bit shady (in a harmless way). Even by carny standards.

13:00 - Do we ever find out what happened to Dorothy's real parents? Or did Em & Henry just claim they were Dorothy's aunt and uncle as some kind of bizarre Midwestern joke on their daughter?

15:00 - In the pitch for "Twister", they said, "do you remember the 2 minute tornado scene from 'The Wizard of Oz'? Don't you wish it'd lasted 90 minutes?"  Yes, and no.

18:50 - OK, the whole change-to-color bit is pretty cool. Of course, it can also be seen as the utopia resulting from an uprising of the people.

20:00 - "Now I know we're not in Kansas" Not what we all remember, but fine. Now, was it the bubble or the big-ass dress that tipped off Dorothy?

20:50 - What kind of crap witch is Glinda? "Are you a good witch or a bad witch?" followed by "Only bad witches are ugly." This implies that a) Glinda is unsure if Dorothy is ugly* or b) that Glinda is a shallow moron. I'm going with b).

21:50 - "What are Munchkins?" They're donut holes, and damn tasty!

22:30 - Say what you will about the Munchkins, but they have great facial hair and they know how to welcome a witch.

26:45 - I always zone out during the song and dance, except for The Lollipop Guild. I still can't figure out why they talk out of the sides of their mouths.

27:30 - I love the panicked look on Dorothy's face when she hears the word "bust". Heh.

29:30 - "I'll get you my pretty - and your little dog, too!" Kind of the "hasta la vista, baby" of the late 30s.

30:30 - Glinda is such a lying bitch. She claims that only the Wizard might know how to get home, yet at the end she tells Dorothy that she could go home anytime. Ugh. And why doesn't she have a broomstick? I hate her.

31:00 - "Never let the ruby slippers off your feet." Ouch. I hope they stay magically fresh. Otherwise, this could get ugly.

31:30 - Does Dorothy really need 3 Munchkins in a row to tell her, and I quote, "Follow the yellow brick road"?

32:00 - Where does the red brick road go**? And what kind of propaganda machine does the Wizard have to get his subjects to sing?  Not even Soviets serenaded visitors with "The Stalin Samba"

32:30 - Surprise, surprise. Glinda the Good Moron of the North didn't mention the crossroads.

33:30 - "Some people without brains do an awful lot of talking" -- seems like they missed an easy shot at politicians there.

35:00 - It's one thing to be bad at your job. It's a whole different story to be bad at your NAME. I'm proud to say that I kick ass at JTing.

36:30 - I love how Dorothy cons the Scarecrow into believing he'll get a brain, THEN mentions, offhand, that she has a witch mad at her.  Solid salesgirlship.

37:00 - "I won't try to manage things, because I can't think" -- that didn't stop most of the managers I've seen.

37:45 - The Witch is hiding behind a tree?  Really?

40:00 - The whole lubeing-up-the-Tin-Man scene is a bit overloaded with innuendo. "Perfect? Bang on my chest if you think I'm perfect" -- said in the throatiest voice possible.

43:00 - Dorothy whispers "He's soooo gay" to the Scarecrow after hearing "I'd be friends with the sparrows (and the boy who shoots the arrows)... if only I had a heart!" and "I'd like it with a zipper"

44:00 - What's the deal between the Witch and the Wizard, anyway? Jilted lovers? Power struggle? Arguing over who gets to whack Glinda?

46:50 - "Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!" leads to my favorite of the 4, the lion. I think Chris Farley would've made a great lion in a remake.

48:00 - The guy with the axe is scared of the lion, and he thinks he needs a heart? Maybe a new set of ball bearings would be more useful.

49:30 - "Don't you think the Wizard could help him, too?" "I don't see why not!" Of course not -- you've suckered the first two in with promises that you can't back up. Why not a third?

51:10 - Hooray for flying monkeys! Forget Boba Fett, these guys are the coolest bad guys in film. With faux-hawks and everything!

52:00 - Of course, the Witch has no way of knowing that Dorothy has developed quite a tolerance for the poppy.

54:00 - Is the snow cocaine to counteract the opium?  OK, I'll ease up on the Dorothy drug jokes for now.

56:30 - "Nobody's ever seen the Great Oz!" That's a sweet government you've got there, Hair Boy.

Annnnnddddd... with their entry into the Emerald City, I'm going to call it a night.  Come back tomorrow-ish for part 2, where we'll travel to the Witch's castle and ponder why Superman didn't keep a bucket o' kryptonite in the Fortress of Solitude.

* And that Toto might be beautiful, since she thinks he's a witch, too. Apparently witch school is a safety school for most.
** I'm betting Moscow.

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