The Obama administration today announced that they would instruct the Justice Department not to prosecute anyone else for felony charges for being "less than the best". The move is in anticipation of upcoming legislation to make "anything less than the best" a misdemeanor for the first time since 1990's "Vanilla's Law". Press Secretary Robert Gibbs stated, "Like all Americans, the President strongly opposes shitty rap. However, we feel that felony charges are too strong, especially in light of the current overcrowding of federal prisons."
The pop music industry is one of many groups lobbying for repeal of the law, claiming that convictions against Ricky Martin, Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan and others prematurely ended or harmed their careers. Supporters of the law claim that their careers were shams, and that the consumers saved from further music purchases are sufficient justification for the bill.
The law was enacted in 1990 after being publicly introduced and demanded by rapper Robert "Vanilla Ice" Van Winkle. Ironically, the first conviction under the law came in US vs Vanilla Ice. The rapper was sentenced to 15 years of public humiliation and prohibited from selling further records, a restriction that was seen as unnecessary due to market forces.
The reach of the law was expanded beyond entertainment into the sports industry with the landmark case US vs Starks in 1994. The case reached the Supreme Court, where Ruth Bader Ginsburg wrote the decision for an 8-1 majority, including the famous line, "While the Constitution supports free speech in all its forms, sucking ass to the tune of 2-for-18, much less 0-for-10 in the 4th quarter, is not speech -- it's cruel and unusual punishment. The only problem with this decision was that coach Pat Riley was not also charged." Writing in solo dissent, Justice Antonin Scalia wrote, "My dissent is only that no crime can be committed against Knicks fans. Suck it, Stark! Go Nets!"
The administration indicated that they would move to free those previously convicted under the law and allow them to return to their careers. Reached for comment, Van Winkle's agent, Ari Gold, said, "I'm saddened by Vanilla's death, as are both of his paren... fans. Wait, he's alive? I guess I do owe E that drink, after all."
Secretary Gibbs also announced that "The Justice Department has also decided that they will no longer stop drivers for 'doing fifty-five in a fifty-fo'. Speeders will need to do at least fifty-seven before being pulled over. It was brought to our attention that the majority of people detained in these circumstances were 'young, black, with hats real low' and this was leading to an inordinate number of warrants requested to search the trunk."