Time For New Relationship Advice

For the last three years or so, when people ask me for relationship advice, I always answered the same way: "Never take relationship advice from me." Then, of course, I'd still give them my completely unsupported suggestions*. So, now I'm looking for a new standard relationship advice. Here are the ones I'm considering:

• "If she has an adam's apple, she's a dude."
• "Yeah, it's not going to work. It's dump or be dumped."
• "Ask him/her for a threesome -- either it works or you're single again**"
• "Tell her that you feel it's inappropriate to get married while gay marriage isn't allowed"
• "You should consider a vow of celibacy"
• "Let me guess -- s/he's insisting that you get a full-body wax"
• "Don't sweat it -- everyone has a starter marriage"
• "How about faking your own death?"

Any suggestions?

* Usually good advice. Sadly, I've never emailed myself for advice.
** Thank you, George!

Thank You, Management Minion

I had a meeting earlier this week with my boss, one of the medium-wigs and one of his minions*. My boss explained 4 of 5 columns on a spreadsheet, and was about to move on when I chimed in (against my better judgment) to explain the 5th column. After I did, the medium-wig replied oh-so-patronizingly, "yes, obviously." Thanks, jag-weed.

So, two minutes later, his minion chimes in with, "what's this 5th column mean?" To which jag-weed replies with a near-exact copy of my description -- without any condescension at all.

Ugh, middle management. Either they don't listen or they don't care. Or both. At the same time.

* From the Greek min, meaning "monkey", and ion, meaning "dumber than"

Conan On Superheroes

I especially like "I don't think Green Lantern returns his calls very often." Heh.

Friends' Juiciest Secrets Revealed!

After two weekends of hanging out with my friends, I've been privy to some of their deepest, darkest secrets. Normally I would keep these in confidence, but I don't have anything to blog about, soooooo...

• Mark is worried that he'll lose the deposit on his apartment when he moves out because of the bodies in his cellar.
• Alberto secretly misses "C-Minus" as a nickname
• Meryl is a strict vegetarian, but she eats beef occasionally because "cows are just so damn smug"
• Brendan doesn't go for the scruffy look because he likes it or due to laziness but because he has a crippling fear of razors
• Adriano has been waiting for over 6 months for someone to suggest he wear a dog collar for his nickname "Big Dog".
• Sunny leaves his apartment unlocked, door open, and a sign out front that says "Homeless Shelter" in the hopes that he can practice his unarmed combat skills.
• Fred uses conditioner on his chest hair 
• Ann-Katrin thinks that all humans should pose nude for art, but that animals should always be posed with clothes on
• JT is still as full of BS as ever.

Just Germany Being Germany

No, I don't mean beating England in the World Cup or invading Poland, I mean licenses for everything. And I mean EV-ER-Y-thing. You've probably heard me mock the fact that Germans get licenses for golfing*, fishing (which involves studying for a test!), and the list goes on. But today I learned a new one: owning a big dog. That's right, if your dog is big enough, you have to have a license. There's a test, with both practical and theoretical portions. Ah, Deutschland, this is why I love you -- you're the nagging girlfriend of the UN!

Rumor is that top German researchers are doing R&D on a license for buying chilis to protect delicate palates. The test would require practical (eating a cracker with Tabasco on it) and theoretical (an essay about potential next-day complications) to pass. I'll keep you updated!

* A key part of the process is selecting ugly pants

I Love Joe Biden -- In The Onion

Biden Criticized For Appearing In Hennessy Ads
It's sad that I prefer the comic image of a boozy womanizer to the family man of reality. But for a fairly pointless office, why not have a fun distraction. Britney for VP in 2012!

It's Surprisingly Satisfying...

Being the only happy person on the tram. I guess their dog days aren't over. Poor bastards.