Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Answers to Stupid Twitter Questions About the Japan Tsunami

You can go to any number of websites for answers to the key questions about the tsunami and its aftermath (the NY Times' site is HERE), but who can respond to the variety of idiotic questions popping up online? Obviously, I can. Links below will direct you to the source of the question, or an article about it. Filthy FBers go HERE for the full post.

Q: I've heard that the Fukushima plant is leaking gamma radiation, should we be worried about an outbreak of Hulks?
Stan L., NYC
A: This is a common misconception. However, gamma radiation doesn't cause people to gain super powers. Unless, of course, you consider radiation poisoning or thyroid cancer a super power. Then, yes.

Q: I think that God might have sent this tsunami to punish the Japanese, am I right?
Cappie P, NYC

A: You are, Cappie. Our God is an angry, vengeful, and, let's be honest, rather lazy Supreme Being. Rather than punish specific evildoers in a population, God decided this time to just say, "Fuck it, I bet this wave will only kill evil men and women and leave kids and innocents alone. And radiation is a very selective killer." Then God went to take a nap. So, you and all the other braindead morons can rest assured, this was completely and totally justified.

Q: Is the day of the tragedy too soon to make fun of it?
Gilbert G, LA
A: Hold on a second, there, Gilbert... Sorry, I had to go kill your wife and kids. But at least you don't have to worry about them keeping you from scoring after your next stand-up gig, right? Oh, is that too soon? The answer is, it's only too soon if you actually have talent. If you don't, then you're clear. So you're fine on this one! Also, the next time you mock a tragedy, you should probably make sure that it's not happening to the largest revenue source for a company that pays you to be your annoying self on TV.

Q: Are my hoes in Japan, Hawaii and LA safe?
50 C, LA
A: That's sweet of you to ask, Fifty, but like you said, they should be OK once they see the designer shoes floating in the streets.

Q: Isn't a massive dose of radiation in Japan what created Godzilla and Mothra?
Anonymous, RKO Studios
A: Actually, we're not sure. But our top scientists are checking this one out.

Q: Since the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor almost 70 years ago, I can indulge in Schadenfreude here, right?
Alec S, LA
A: Actually, Alec, you can. It's a little-known fact, but the only people living in the area hit by the tsunami are people that either participated in the planning of the attack, or are people who participated in the planning, died, and were reincarnated as children living in the area. The real surprise is that 10,000 people (and counting!) were able to keep a surprise attack secret. So, definitely, you should feel Schadenfreude here.

Q: When do we become the 2nd-worst government response to a nuclear disaster?
Former USSR, Moscow

A: Don't worry! In spite of Japan's government handling this one by the George Bush Disaster Handbook, they didn't try to hide it for 10 days. So, unless North Korea has a meltdown, you're probably safe. Time to celebrate with some Stoli!


Steve said...

I applaud you're fine, handcrafted original comedy.

phouko - the adult version of popular Price Is Right game Plinko.

jtingermany said...

Thanks! I realized that I hadn't done any for a while. And probably won't for a while longer -- live blogging the NCAAs tonight and finishing Raiders.

I don't get word verification on my own blog