Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Live Blogging - Raiders Of The Lost Ark Part 1

Ah, Raiders. A classic, and Harrison Ford's best role (sorry, Han). I actually wrote this in Jan, but didn't finish part 2. Blame Canada! So, let's get cracking.

0:30 - What a bunch of losers Indy hired. Do you think he just picked up a bunch of homeless guys? Or are they drunks from a local bar?

1:30 - Seriously? Freaked out by birds and a statue? I think Bobby was manlier during the Brady Bunch Hawaii episode.

3:15 - And, THAT, kids is how you make an entrance -- whipping the gun out of your porter's hand. Damn straight. Did you know that this is how Edmund Hilary and Tenzing Norgay first met?

4:00 - I never would've thought Alfred Molina would go from sleazy porter to Dr. Octopus. That's serious evil upward mobililty. What's his next stop? Emperor in the Star Wars remake?*

5:45 - I'm impressed Indy can recognize Forrestal. I don't know if I could recognize the dessicated remains of coworkers -- not that I've had the chance. As far as you know.

6:55 - Ever since I first saw this scene (in the theater!), whenever I walk on a patterned tile floor, I imagine having to dodge darts. Sometimes I hum a little of the theme music.

8:00 - The look on Molina's face as he slowly realizes it's all gone to shit is money

9:15 - ...Almost as money as dead Molina.

9:45 - For all his hard work, Indy is basically Belloq's white porter.

10:30 - "You could warn them, if only you spoke Jovitos! Hahaha!" I love this line and use it often. No one ever gets it, which helps.

11:30 - Jacque is having his own personal moral dilemma -- bring in the fish or save Indy?

14:00 - The "Love You" on the eyelids is impressive, but puzzling. Did her roommate write it for her? Or is writing legibly on her own eyelids her mutant power?

16:00 - The government bureaucrats are hilarious. So very clueless. I prefer this to reality -- amusing but harmless is better than infuriating but incompetent.

17:15 - "The 10 Ten Commandents? You're talking about THE 10 Commandments?" No, dipshit, he's talking about a photostat** copy.

17:30 - "They put the Ark in the Temple" "In Jerusalem" That Marcus is a fount of esoteric knowledge, eh?

19:20 - I love Indy the educator here -- in the classroom, he was so uncomfortable, but here he relishes teaching the tools about the cool stuff. His enthusiasm reminds me of Dr B.

21:00 - "That thing [the Ark] represents everything we got into archaeology for in the first place." So, you got into your field to find ancient mystical weapons? That's why I studied stats***.

22:00 - "You know what a cautious fellow I am" followed by the pistol in the luggage? This is clearly overcompensation for getting sentimental for Marion. Then again, "I always carry a pistol in my carry-on" -- B. Switzer

23:30 - This is EXACTLY how I see my ex**** in 5 years -- outdrinking locals in Nepal

25:50 - Is it bad that I secretly hope an ex will punch me someday?

27:50 - Indy didn't bother to bring a winter coat? Seems a bit short-sighted, what with the Himalayas and all.

28:50 - We have our 1st legitimate, full-fledged Nazi sighting! Do you think he has feelings of self-loathing for having to slum with non-Aryans? I'm thinking he fantasizes about killing them. And then nailing their corpses -- he seems like a twisted bastard.

30:30 - The time for reasonableness has passed? What kind of impatient psycho is this asshat? Oh, right. He's a Nazi.

31:30 - Spielberg is half-assing his realism here -- the bad guy has to reload, but Indy apparently has the world's only 500-shot revolver. And how did the guy getting shot in the forehead while on fire make it into a PG movie?

32:20 - Normally in action movies the hero escapes because the villain farts around and doesn't kill him (see: Powers, Austin), but here it's believable. Why? Because the bad guy (I'm going to call him Horst) is a sadistic MFer. And when he DOES want to kill Indy, he gets greedy.

32:40 - Speaking of greedy, Horst apparently didn't realize that gold is an excellent conductor of heat. Flash fact!

33:35 - "Well, Jones, you sure know how to show a lady a good time!" Marion is basically a cool version of Lois Lane. Who I normally think is a nagging waste of space, but Marion's got moxie. What happened to female characters with moxie? Juno in "Inception" is the only one i can think of recently.

33:55 - I love the red-line over a world map scenes. It makes me wonder -- was Karachi a shithole in 1937? I'm thinking yes. Seeing "Cairo" made me even more excited to go to Egypt. Which reminds me. Here is my Indy-inspired list of things to do in Cairo:
Feed a monkey wearing a vest
Do not get parasites from said monkey
Teach a monkey to Sieg Heil
Eat dates, being careful to avoid the poisoned ones
Have a rooftop dinner and proclaim Cairo "City of the living, a paradise on Earth"
Pay a shady man with an eyepatch for information
Have a chase through the souk
End the chase by dismissively shooting a swordsman
Overturn every basket being carried on someone's head
Drink myself into oblivion while mourning the loss of my true love
Read (or act like I can) hieroglyphs
Break into a tomb, preferably one filled with snakes

38:55 - How many henchmen does Indy kill vs them killing each other? I'm thinking it's 50-50.

39:55 - That is one smart monkey. Even smarter than Koko.

40:25 - Some people think it's racist when Indy shoots the swordsman. I disagree. It works on several levels -- the American/Western influence that overwhelms the traditional values of honor and one-on-one combat, or just Indy caring more about surviving than an outmoded sportsmanship for edged-weapons combat.

40:45 - "You can't do this to me, I'm an American!" Heh.

42:10 - I'm 99.99% sure that John Williams is reusing a lot of his Star Wars trilogy music here.

42:50 - Hey! I understand all that German now! Go me!

43:30 - "I oughtta kill you right now." I've always wanted to say that. Especially to a waiter in France.

45:00 - Does anyone else think that Belloq is more annoying simply by virtue of his French accent? He might as well be wearing a "Vote Vichy!" t-shirt. And why do we need a radio to speak to God? Isn't S/He omnipotent? Does this imply that normal prayers go to God's answering service? Fing Belloq, badmouthing the Supreme Being.

49:20 - That was one well-trained monkey. Do you think he went to some covert ops monkey training school? Ironic that he was brought down by his master's poisoned dates. But you know what they say, "don't trust a superspy monkey around poisoned dates."

52:50 - OK, not only did the Nazis have the wrong size staff, but they also used the wrong hole. Insert your own Nazi-sexual incompetence joke here. Double points if you include Chamberlain!

54:00 - I think EVERY city should have a map room. Why? Well, the obvious reenactments, but also it gives you a 3-D way to see changes in the city.

56:00 - I'm not an expert on relationships, but I'm pretty sure leaving Marion tied up & exposed to potential sexual assault by her sleazy captors is going to be a lifelong bone of contention between the two.

57:15 - The Nazis wearing black leather gloves in the heat -- creepy or full-on crazy?

58:50 - I'm going out on a limb and saying that most archaeological digs don't get their own supernatural lightning storms.

59:50 - Indy's really channeling his inner Jack (or in German) here, isn't he?

1:00:55 - "Asps. Very dangerous. You go first." I'm pretty sure that the anti-imperialist in Salah loved this line.

1:02:30 - Jesus, Belloq's not just French, he's skeevy, too. Not that anyone's surprised by that.

And, with our protagonists both on the edge of terrifying encounters (Belloq nookie or snakes, pick your poison), I shall call it a post. Come back for part 2!

* How will Lucas shit on our memories in this one?
** That's a photocopy for you 21st century readers
*** In retrospect, this wasn't a smart move. Not a lot of ancient mystical statistical weapons. Except, you know, the Gaussian Curve... OF DEATH!!!
**** Feel free to discuss WHICH ex.

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