The world is changing, and so is the Catholic Church. Or so they want you to believe. They just picked a new pope, Francis*. Said the Vatican spokesman, "We wanted the new pope to represent the growing balance of our flock in the South, but we also wanted, you know, a white guy. And not just kind of white, we wanted lily white. So we found this guy in Argentina, and he was perfect -- speaks Italian, really hid his molesters well, and didn't make waves when his country was killing people by the truckload. A perfect candidate, or he would be if perfection weren't really . Also, he knew that of all the problems facing Argentina, gay marriage was the worst, followed by the free distribution of contraceptives. Everyone knows if we could fix those two, it'd be exactly what Jesus wanted us to do. Pretty much a no-brainer."
This post was brought to you by my incredulousness that anyone still listens to a pope**. Also by the word "incredulousness".
* His first choice, Pope Gangnam Style, was rejected for being "so five minutes ago".
** Why? Read a book. Seriously, if you need to ask why this is a bad idea, I direct you to most of the last 2000 years.