Wednesday, July 02, 2014

Why Each Country Left WON'T Win The World Cup

Now that the greatest collection of soccer/football talent ever gathered, the 2014 US Men's National Team*, has been eliminated, it's time to consider the unthinkable: If not the USA, who might win the World Cup? Each country has their weaknesses, and I'll lay them out for you:

Brazil: Their best striker has a porn 'stache as his main claim to fame and their keeper had to channel his inner Tim Howard to get them past Chile on PKs. Until they get a player other than Neymar who plays like he's actually from Brazil, they're not winning.

Columbia: Any team that works this hard to choreograph their goal celebrations clearly isn't focused on winning. Learn from Da Bears - dance poorly until you're the champs

Germany: Experts agree that the ability to stay upright during free kicks is crucial to advancing in the tournament. Claiming that this was planned does not help one's case.

France: They're France, eventually they'll bicker or be distracted by underage hookers

Netherlands: As long as raging psychopath Nigel de Jong is on the team, the football gods aren't allowing them to win. Though if they do, look for a 2018 USA roster stocked with NFL players.

Costa Rica: To paraphrase Ash, "you ain't winnin' but two things right now: Jack and shit... and Jack left town". Excellent work by the Ticos to make it this far, but to go further they'll need something I can sum up in one word, "just one word: courage, dedication, daring, pride, pluck, spirit, grit, mettle, and G-U-T-S, *guts*. Why, Costa Rica's got more guts in their little finger than most of us have in our large intestine, including the colon!"

Argentina: When the coach's offensive "tactics" are "wait for Messi to make something happen", you can look forward to an early exit. Also, last summer's riots were NOTHING compared to what will happen if Argentina wins -- Brazil is going to be a war zone. Finally, Diego Maradona will die before he concedes the spotlight to anyone, so don't rule out a suicide bombing by him if Argentina makes the final. It'll be easy to hide the explosives in all the cocaine he carries with him.

Belgium**: If Ron Weasley is your best player, you've got trouble ahead. And even beating the best team in the world***, the USA, can't change that

* With the only exceptions being the teams that are/were better
** Thanks to the Irish Mirror for the photo!
*** Well, the best one composed only of men with US passports

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