Just as I'm about to get into the bath (I'm sick, cut me some slack), the phone rings. Worried it might be family (expat problems FTW!), I rush to pick it up. This follows...
Hello, this is Windows Technical Support, from New Jersey. We're calling because your computer has been sending out a lot of emails.
Ok, I thought I detected a hint of Jersey in your accent (This is a mocking, bald-faced lie. He couldn't sound more Indian if he was extolling the virtues of cricket while claiming India has never started a war).
Yes, I'm not from New Jersey. (Apparently he has learned to detect SOME sarcasm. Which isn't hard, as I'm already laying it on so thick that I'm using a goddamn Sarcasm Trowel)
What's the problem? Will you be able to help me? And how much will it cost? (Using the Trowel for this line)
It won't cost anything, unless there's a problem we need to fix. Then there's a small, one-time fee.
That's great to hear, what do we do?
At this point, he mentions that the fee is "only" 100-150 Euros, then leads me through opening up the Event Viewer on Windows. Which is difficult for me to BS, since I'm not using Windows. Which he would know, if he were even vaguely real. But he's a scammer, so he doesn't.
What program that I registered for gave you my information? I just want to be sure you're for real. (I back off the Trowel so that he thinks I'm just a sucker. It works.)
I'm from Azure, not Windows.
(This is a relief? I've heard of the color, not the company.)
OK, I was worried, because Windows is actually a Microsoft product and not a company. But I never registered for Azure. (I'm getting bored, so I give another hint. It's untaken.)
We do support for Windows, so that's how you registered. Now, tell me what you see in the events window.
I see a list of events. But, let me ask you, how would it look if I was using a Mac? (I'm now ready to end this, so I drop a much bigger hint)
(Long Pause) You are the biggest motherfucker I have ever met.
(He hangs up. Score! He finally took the hint! And I earned quite the compliment.)