Thursday, March 14, 2013

Cardinals Keep It All White

The world is changing, and so is the Catholic Church. Or so they want you to believe. They just picked a new pope, Francis*. Said the Vatican spokesman, "We wanted the new pope to represent the growing balance of our flock in the South, but we also wanted, you know, a white guy. And not just kind of white, we wanted lily white. So we found this guy in Argentina, and he was perfect -- speaks Italian, really hid his molesters well, and didn't make waves when his country was killing people by the truckload.  A perfect candidate, or he would be if perfection weren't really . Also, he knew that of all the problems facing Argentina, gay marriage was the worst, followed by the free distribution of contraceptives. Everyone knows if we could fix those two, it'd be exactly what Jesus wanted us to do. Pretty much a no-brainer."

This post was brought to you by my incredulousness that anyone still listens to a pope**.  Also by the word "incredulousness".

* His first choice, Pope Gangnam Style, was rejected for being "so five minutes ago".
** Why? Read a book. Seriously, if you need to ask why this is a bad idea, I direct you to most of the last 2000 years.

Sunday, March 03, 2013

I Dream of Shapeshifting Vehicles

My favorite thing about dreams, other than occasionally being able to fly, is how I never question the logic of what is happening while in the dream, no matter how insane it is. And I don't mean Salma Hayek falling for me*, but how the scenario can gradually change without phasing dream-me** at all. We've all had this happen, but what brings it up? Last night's rather insane dream.

It started at a friend's in Nacogdoches, watching the Big Game (but not the Super Bowl).  Which big game? Excellent question, I have no idea. But it was a Game, and it was Big. So there. We ran out of beer, and I volunteered to go on a beer run.  2 of the guys (men, but unidentified) joined me in my '88 Honda Accord (which I sold in 2003 and probably is now dead). When we got to the first stop sign, the Accord was no longer a car but a tricycle. But everyone fit -- I think it had dual seats behind the normal seat. We saw a female friend (known, but won't be identified for her sake) walking to the party, so we picked her up. She also fit on the tricycle, which surprised no one.  At her recommendation, we opted for the Kroger farther away, for reasons that were unclear.

By the time we got to the main street, I was no longer pedaling, but just "walking" the trike -- the third passenger somehow prevented the pedals from working, yet we didn't get off and walk. The other three rode while I waddled along, slowly moving the tricycle. When we got to a major uphill intersection (which doesn't actually exist in Nac), I made everyone get off because going uphill was too much, and we left the trike and just walked.  At this point we looked at each other and said, "We should have gone to the closer grocery store. And taken a car."

Dream-me needs to plan ahead better.

* Clearly, she would.
** Different from dreamy-me, who I am told doesn't actually exist