LiveBlogging: Sotomayor Confirmation Hearings EXCLUSIVE!!!

Through my sources* in the Senate, I have obtained a copy of Judge Sotomayor's FBI background check. Here are the juicy bits:

- Saw Titanic 5 times. In a row. While only paying for one.

- Tells friends she prefers being called "wiseass Latina"

- Once considered joining the Communist Party in order to "meet some hot guys in olive drab"

- At a Judicial Conference party, once beat 4 consecutive sitting Supreme Court Justices in beer pong. The last was accompanied by a boisterous cheer of "suck it, Sc----!"

- While underage, was arrestested for trying to buy beer using the excuse "My name isn't SotoMINOR"



* Ok, fine, source, singular. The name rhymes with Blon Blornyn.

Being an Insensitive Jackass is Gender Independent

When I saw the headline "Boss 'sorry' over fake boobs joke", I made the sexist assumption that the "boss" in question was a man. Wrong! What did the "boss" do or say that was offensive? These were the lowlights of her actions to an employee who had had both breasts removed due to cancer:

- She gave her a pair of fake breasts (with tassels!) for Christmas
- She would repeatedly say things like, 'keep abreast of things, Janet' or 'you've dropped a boob there'

However, to make things right, the boss fired her. Then, after losing a wrongful termination lawsuit, she apologized and said she never meant to cause offense*. Riiiiiiiiight.


* Being British, she probably didn't want to cause offenCe, actually.

LiveBlogging: Sotomayor Confirmation Hearings Excerpt

Sen Hatch (R-UT) - Can you explain your understanding of whether a right to privacy is guaranteed by the Constitution?

Judge Sotomayor - I cannot speak on issues that I might face while on the Court.

Senator Hatch - Then, if you were an ice cream flavor, would you be Antonin Sca-Lemon or David SouterBerry?

Judge Sotomayor - I have always considered myself more of a Sotomayalmond Fudge.

Best. Sponsor. Ever.

Question: You're a local sports club and you need cash to build a swanky new turf field. How do you get cash?


Answer: You go into Elektro Porn and get down on your knees.

My friends in Trier gave an embarassed laugh when we noticed the sign and pointed out that it's advertising a family-owned electronics store. Unfortunately, that family's surname is Porn. No word yet on if the son is taking his wife's name. He wouldn't be the one to end the good name of Porn in Trier, would he?

The Maginot Line Revisited

Some intrepid amateur historians have finally answered the question: Could the Maginot Line repell a multi-national force that had bad German accents?

Fly, My Pretties, Fly!

After I discovered a sleeper cell of fruit flies in some disappointing strawberries, I tried everything, to no avail. Finally, I figured I would turn them to my own devious ends -- who doesn't need minions, especially winged ones? Alas, even when I screech in my best Margaret Hamilton voice, the fruit flies still don't attack Dorothy (or her little dog, too). But the incident did lead me to a Beatles song I've never heard, which is cool.



But then I was jonesing for some flying monkey action. While they scared me as a kid, as an adult I am deeply disappointed that they didn't go after Glinda, The Uppity Witch of The North (South in the books). She's clearly modeled on the southern belles that would later infest sororities across the USA. I could go on for hours, since this is one of my Top 5 Movies of All Time. Also, check out the best movie review, ever.

So endeth the rambling post.

Onion Hilarity -- Mexico Builds a Wall to Keep Out US Assholes

Mexico Builds Border Wall To Keep Out US Assholes
Good times. I didn't realize that Speedy Gonzales was no longer the President of Mexico. I guess I need to bone up on my world politics.

No, Mom, This Wasn't Me

Contrary to allegations of some of my readers, the following story is NOT about me.

BERLIN (Reuters) - A drunk German sparked a slow-speed police chase after stealing a tractor to get home from a nightclub after his girlfriend left without him, said police, who used pepper spray to try to stop the vehicle.

Let me refute:
1. I live in the 'dorf, not Berlin.
2. When drinking, my getaway vehicle of choice is a cab. It was a bike, but experience has taught me valuable lessons.
3. If anyone is leaving anyone at a club, it's me. That's just how I roll*.

* Yes, I know I sound like a tool when I say that.

How Stupid Are You? A Quiz for Public Figures

Question 1: If you are a public figure, when is it OK to refer to Hitler in a positive light?
A) Anytime
B) If you applaud his rebuilding of Germany but lament the Holocaust, it's fine.
C) You're in Germany between 1932 and 1945
D) Never

How to score your quiz? If you answered:
A) You're a complete moron. Feel free to chug 5-10 beers and hop on a motorcycle.
B) You're a partial moron. Rather than thinking before speaking, you should hire a chimpanzee to do your interviews for you.
C) If you're there by choice, you're a complete moron. Otherwise you get an Incomplete.
D) Correct! While you might still be a moron, at least you have passed Giving an Interview 101.

A Site For Snark

Thanks to Liz, I've discovered the magic that is awkwardfamilyphotos.com. A blog dedicated to mocking family photos. Go ahead, check it out. I especially like the subtlety of the 4th of July kids photo and the family of crossbow-wielders.

I'm Not Saying The Wimbledon Final Was Long Buuuuut

... I'm pretty sure the ballkids went through puberty in the last set.
... Euro labor laws required both players to have someone else play the second half of the 5th set.
... Roddick started clean-shaven and now has a longer beard than most Amish men.
... Federer also won the 2010 final by default.
... I now have bed sores from sitting so long.