Everyday is Narcisscism Day!

Well, every Saturday. Tasty Zin*, meh bubbly (room for improvement!), steak, roasted garlic*-rosemary mash and broccoli with shaved*** cheddah****. As you can see:

Not shown: first strawberries of the season and dark chocolate for dessert. One must keep the food porn to reasonable levels, after all. Also not shown: the Moscow Mule for a post-dinner drink.

* 2008 Artezin Zin, if you're wondering. And why do all California Zin producers feel the need to pun? They know it makes us want to, um, punch them, right? Ugh, now the jackholes have me doing it.
** It may be overdone in restaurants, but it's damned tasty
*** Not waxed!
**** Thanks, Margaret/Meg/Mags/M'Lou & Dan!

Get It Together, Drinkify

Someone had the brilliant/insane idea to mix Spotify with a drink catalog. Type in a band name, it gives you a drink "appropriate" for the music. Sadly, it seems to be based on names, not music or the artists' personalities. Some examples:

• Snoop Dogg - "The Snoop Dogg" (10 oz. each gin, wheatgrass juice, lemon juice) -- Nice call!
• Amy Winehouse - "The Amy Winehouse" (1 bottle cabernet) -- Good call, if you make it a case instead of a bottle
• Rolling Stones - "The Rolling Stones" (10 oz. rum with a garnish of cocktail onions) -- Not really going to give you the satisfaction you need
• U2 - "The U2" (10 oz. vodka with a garnish of nutmeg) -- TEN ounces? Really? EIGHT shots? For the Stones, sure, but U2?
• Whitney Houston - "The Whitney Houston" (4 oz. vodka with a garnish of cocktail onions) -- Whitney gets less than half the booze that Bono does?
• Michael Jackson - "The Michael Jackson" (8 oz. Red Bull with a garnish of nutmeg*) -- no booze, so he can share it with his date?
• Toby Keith - "The Toby Keith" (8 oz. Maker's Mark with a garnish of shrimp) -- Shrimp? Pork Rinds, I could understand, but shrimp?
• Meatloaf - "The Meatloaf" (8 oz. each bourbon and cough syrup**, 10 oz. wheatgrass -- stir quickly) -- probably the only veggies Meatloaf will have this month
• Nickelback - "The Nickelback" (2 oz. each Rip Van Winkle bourbon, worcestershire sauce, 10 oz. Laphroig scotch with a garnish of nutmeg) -- seriously? More nutmeg? I do think the top-shelf brands are appropriate in a drink you won't be able to appreciate either.

But JTinGermany is nothing if not helpful***, so here are my suggestions for the less-than-satisfying

• Snoop Dogg - "The Snoop Dogg" -- No change needed, except you should drink it out of a paper bag
• Amy Winehouse - "The Amy Winehouse" -- Again, just a matter of quantity
• Rolling Stones - "The Rolling Stones" (Vodka, rum, and gin with lime juice and plenty of brown sugar) -- Lots of booze and it tastes so good
• U2 - "The U2" (A shot of St. Brendan's dropped into a pint of Guinness. Drink it in one go!) -- We're taking back the Irish Car Bomb for a more peaceful world. I would also accept a Bloody Sunday -- tequila in a Bloody Mary
• Whitney Houston - "The Whitney Houston" (4 oz. of the most expensive gin available, lime wedge and a dash of tonic water, garnish with mint/celery dipped in powdered sugar) -- The mint should garnish one's nose with sugar and the drinker should constantly complain that the drink isn't strong enough****
• Michael Jackson - "The Michael Jackson" (Kool-Aid and rohypnol) -- Also known as a Father Murphy*****
• Toby Keith - "The Toby Keith" (Domestic American macrobrew, Coors Light or cheaper, in a Red Solo Cup) -- Feel free to spread the rumor that you came up with this drink on your own
• Meatloaf - "The Meatloaf" (Large Chocolate Fudge Brownie milkshake with 2 shots of vodka, garnish with a donut) -- Also known as the Breakfast of Champions******
• Nickelback - "The Nickelback" (5 oz. white vinegar, 5 oz. Fiji water, dash of lemon juice, garnish with bottled oxygen and serve in a striped shirt) -- God, I hate these guys

* What's the obsession with nutmeg?
** Sounds like Meatloaf was trying to make a Flaming Homer
*** So, I guess it's nothing
**** Too soon?
***** Taking this drink off the menu is called a Pope Benedict
****** I have this feeling Meatloaf is sober, but googling's a lot of work

30 Rock Facebook Status Updates - Alexis Goodlooking and the Case of the Missing Whisky

Can I make a small request of the 30 Rock writers/producers/overlords? How about short titles? "Leap Day" was not only a great episode, but an all-time great episode title. "Alexis Goodlooking and the Case of the Missing goddamned Whisky"? Really? Why not make the booze Irish to throw in an extra 'e'

Appropriate:
- will defrost an ox for you
- Balloon!
- is beside some sort of pizza demon
- has never crushed anyone... except accused witches*
- is 4 credits shy of a degree in bro studies

Inappropriate:
- prefers the term "adultophobe"
- barely made it through the 80s without having sex with Belinda Carlisle
- has a sofa made from Seabiscuit
- is sick from the sight of you -- and the crayons he ate earlier
- doesn't know much about worldly things, like taco meat or having all your fingers

* Damn you for beating me to this one, Steve

30 Rock Facebook Status Updates - Leap Day

30 Rock was here for me, now I'm here for you. Well, my "here", not your "here", but I guess you figured that. Unless you're hiding in my apartment, then I guess it's both. If you are, can you do the dishes? I just can't be bothered. As always, I'm here to sort the various potential Facebook status updates into Appropriate and Inappropriate -- because that's how I roll. Mildly amusing, unoriginal and pretty lazy: that's my rollery*, all right.

Appropriate:
- wrote lyrics to the Cantina Song from Star Wars
- has a bet with his business school roommates as to who can make the most money on Leap Day
- is starting to think that Leap Day William isn't even real

Inappropriate:
- thinks the Young Nazi Boy is the star of "The Sound of Music"
- is on a Sexual Walkabout
- thinks we have a slut-off on our hands
- is... Awwww, dammit, hot bitches
- can't have candy and cigarettes without a few tears
- started experimenting... with liberalism
- reminds you that a gym teacher on a sex tour of Indonesia called -- he wants his shirt back

* Get THEE to a rollery, Shakespeare

Definition - Drinker's Pocket

After another long day/night of Karneval festivities, I woke up the next morning to a HUGE pile of coins -- 20 Euro worth. Which led Jason to define "drinker's pocket" -- a pocketful of change the morning after a night out. Since our rounds always left 1 or 2* Euro over, we slowly accumulated a large amount of change. This is a phenomenon unknown in the USA, as the custom is to a) use credit cards and b) tip. Neither applies in the Dorf!

* I don't believe in spelling out "one" or "two"

I'm Sleeping Wrong!

So, apparently, this whole "sleep 8 hours straight" stuff is modern BS*. An isolation study has shown that given enough continuous darkness, people settle into a sleep pattern of 4 hours, then an hour or two of awake time, then 4 more hours. Which is actually refreshing to me, as I've done this more than a few times over the last year**. This is backed up by more than 500 historical references to "first sleep", "second sleep", etc. These references disappear around the time of round-the-clock lighting in cities and disappear completely in the 1920s.
So don't fret the next time you wake up in the middle of the night and have trouble going to sleep -- you're just getting in touch with your roots.

* If you're a conservative, feel free to insert your own "liberal media" rant here. But be careful -- this has been happening for hundreds of years.
** I thought I had trouble sleeping, apparently I was just kickin' it old school.

30 Rock Facebook Status Updates - The Tuxedo Begins

30 Rock is back! As always, I'm here to sort the various potential Facebook status updates into Appropriate and Inappropriate -- because everyone loves arbitrary binary distinctions.

Appropriate:
- thinks New York is the world capitol of culture, finance and King Kong attacks
- is on the verge of class war
- does his hair by sticking his head in a cotton candy machine
- is running for mayor -- slogan to come
- has a Chewbacca costume made from used hair extensions

Inappropriate:
- wonders where a young prostitute gets started in this town
- only plays blondes, non-Irish redheads and sex robots
- is a selfish filth monster
- has a criminal skull shape
- is pregnant with a kitty cat
- is unpacking the sex monkey he bought in Jakarta