Saturday, January 31, 2009

St. Mark Titus, Patron Saint of Benchwarmers

So, you're the 12th man on the Ohio State basketball team. Do you:
1) Give it your all and hope that coach likes your hustle (which makes it so hard to cut you)
2) Sit back and hope that some of the starting five's rejected groupies realize that big, semi-athletic white guys look good through beergoggles
3) Write a blog about your experiences

Fortunately, he went with 3) (maybe also 1 & 2, it's hard to say). And so, Club Trillion was born. Here's a tidbit from his Super Bowl preview:

From what I've heard about the man, Kurt Warner used to work at a grocery store where he would return misplaced items to their original spot on the shelf. Basically, all those times you suddenly decided you didn't want the value pack of Fla-Vor-Ice because it's so freaking hard to open those things and you thought setting them down in the cereal aisle wouldn't be that big of a deal, you made Kurt Warner's life a little bit more miserable. So miserable, in fact, that he decided to go out and become a two-time MVP and a Super Bowl champion. It's the kind of rags to riches story Club Trillion likes to dream about. And, honestly, if you can't cheer for a guy who used to have to alphabetize the canned goods because his boss was a little too irrational, then you are either a Steelers fan or a Commie. I'm not even sure which is worse.

I'm Not Asking For Much

I love watching tennis, especially after having been to the French Open last year (and likely returning this year). But if I'm going to wake up at the crack of nine on a Saturday to watch a women's final I want to see AT LEAST one of two things:
1) Well-played, exciting tennis
2) Eye candy

Now, Serena is currently providing 1.5 of these on her own (if i completely eliminate her form the eye candy category, she might beat me up in Paris). Dinara Safina, on the other hand, is providing exactly none. She was bageled in the first set, then somehow falls bass-ackwards into a 2-1 lead in the second which she promptly lost -- on a double fault. Then she tried some bullshit cross-court drop shot on match point. Cliff Claven was mentally tougher in Final Jeopardy than she is.

It's very frustrating that she apparently learned the wrong lesson from Anna Kournikova. Her best trait was her appeal to shallow males worldwide, not her penchant for choking in big matches.

Federer-Nadal tomorrow has a long way to go to make up for this. Go Fed!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

So THAT's Why It's Called Holy Water!

The blog is appropriately speechless.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

2 Hours Should Be Plenty of Time for a 50 Mile Drive...

I just got home from an intriguing night of German soccer. Here's how the 6 hour trip broke down:

5:15 Leave Düsseldorf, NOT on a train
7:45 Arrive Dortmund stadium exit, in sight of the stadium
7:55 Watch the fing parking attendant close the just-filled stadium lot
8:15 Arrive at open parking space just outside Norway
8:42 Reach our level of the stadium in time to see replay of the 3rd goal on TV
8:45 Reach our seats
8:52 The 4th referee announces 2 minutes of stoppage time
8:55 Game over
8:57 I finish my lone beer of the evening
9:20 Enter car to return home
11:00 arrive at home

For those of you scoring at home, that's 10 minutes of soccer sandwiched inside 350 minutes of travel. Almost all of which was at cycling speed. Tricycling.

This is why I am now only attending soccer matches by train.
What Would Jesus Drink?*

Apparently a nice Venti Latte really perks you up after being crucified. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what the woman behind Mary (dressed as the Flying Nun) is holding. And how has Starbucks not tried to use this in an ad? These are the things I see when I go to an art museum (in this case the Alte Meister Galerie in Dresden). And why is Mary dressed like a nun? Was she psychic AND a virgin**?

Alternate titles: Did Jesus Drink Soy Milk Cappuccinos?, "Jesus Christ -- Your drink is ready.", "When Is a Latte a Miracle?"

* A pint of Murphy's
** And don't give me any sass mouth about the use of contemporary costume in religious paintings.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Relocation Jitters

While a move back to the US might be a ways off, it's always a good idea to keep abreast of possible destinations. And a recent Reuters article shed some light on the subject. Tampa, Seattle and Chicago are the three most caffeinated cities in the USA. Like all good junkies, Tampa residents were least likely to cop to an addiction to America's most-loved legal drug.

"They are number one in pain reliever consumption and they are also third most likely to do energy drink consumption,"

So, not only are Tampans (Tampaxites?) wired, they're also in pain. Sounds like a fun town, but maybe a bit too hyped for my tastes. On the other hand, DFW was 5th -- from the bottom. Apparently I was significantly outside the bell curve. Or, more likely, Dallas residents were too drunk to remember how much coffee they drink.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Now Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Cynicism

Ok, the inauguration is done and whatever spastic hope and belief in humanity and the US government I had yesterday is gone. We now return you to your normally-scheduled lack of blogging.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

An Administration Retrospective

By my watch, the Bush-Biden administration started at 11:54 am ET this morning and lasted for 6 minutes. The accomplishments?
1 minute of glad-handing
1 minute of pointless introduction
4 minutes of music by a "super-band"

On the bright side, there were no invasions of foreign countries for Vaseline or other petroleum products.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Adieu, Jackasses

Your Outgoing "Leader" and Helper Monkey

With all due respect*, I would like to say goodbye to the Jackass-in-Chief and his helper monkey. On the bright side, the White House is surprisingly ebola-free after 8 years of Mojo & The Enabler.

* As explained by R. Bobby, since I said "with all due respect" i can say whatever I want about our "elected" officials

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Now, THIS Is Awkward

As uncomfortable as Myers looks when Kanye starts rambling (and for a rapper, Kanye's improv speaking skills are sadly lacking here), his look at the end is priceless. And, yes, I know this is 3 years old. But comedy, intentional or not, is timeless.

And which lame frat boy did Kanye steal his outfit from?

Thursday, January 15, 2009


Inspired by the steely New Year's resolve of King Wally, I will be increasing my blog output this year. Some of the features you can look forward to:
Book Reviews: Thanks to my semi-OCD buying spree, I have lots of (hopefully) good reading ahead. Unlike, say, 2008.
Cooking Update: One of my few resolutions is to increase the amount I cook. Until I get consistent dinner guests, you get the results.
Lint Of The Week: Each week I will choose the most noteworthy piece of lint from my navel for photographic and poetic exploration
Relationship Exhumation: I will go back through previous relationships, real and imagined, and dissect them through introspection, interviews (real or other), and photos. If needed, this may crossover with JT After Dark.
Books I'm Reading -- Live blogging!: I blog my thoughts as I read! Excerpt: "Page 100. Page 101. Bathroom break, will wash hands next time. Page 102. Shouldn't have eaten jerky before washing hands."
Airing of Grievances: Since Festivus once again failed to have an Airing of Grievances, I will instead have one online where I list in detail all the ways my friends and family have disappointed me over the preceeding year(s).

Vote for your favorites!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

What Would Tim Tebow Do?

Watching Florida beat OU, I was struck but just how wonderful a person Tim Tebow is. I knew he was fairly accomplished at running the option, but I hadn't realized that he was the child of a spiritual threesome between Mother Theresa, Gandhi and Jesus himself. I want to be the first to call for amending the Constitution to allow Lil Timmy to become President in 2012 in spite of a) being born in the Philippines and b) being 10 years under the minimum age of 35.

Just visit You'll be a better person for having spent 5 minutes there.