Tuesday, November 29, 2011

There's Nothing Better Than...

Waking up with your fever broken. After feeling like crap for 24 hours, repeatedly waking up shivering or sweaty from bizarre dreams, to wake up in the middle of the night and think, "Hey! I'm neither cold nor hot -- I don't need these 14 layers of blankets" is pure bliss.

Monday, November 21, 2011

I've Solved The Greece Problem

Even after the short-term solution of short-sighted loans made by French and Germans banks to the Greeks is solved, the long-term issue of insufficient revenue for the Greek government will persist. Will their economy grow by 20% with no growth in government? No. Will the citizens magically decide to start paying taxes? No. So, how can this be fixed? We know that vague threats of future negative events do not prevent stupid behavior in the near term*. What we need is a way to reward the Greek population for actually PAYING their taxes. And I have discovered that reward: the Elgin marbles.

The Greeks have been moaning about the return of the marbles ever since they were pried off the Parthenon and loaded onto a ship bound for London -- with some justification. But due to my stroke of brilliance, now the 17 pieces can be returned to their rightful home. An independent Swiss** firm will audit the annual tax receipts for Greece and if they are at the expected level for the residents' estimated income, the British Museum will ship a piece to Greece. Each year that the Greeks pay their taxes, they get a piece back. Tax revenues short? No piece that year!

Of course, it's not a perfect plan. There are only 17 pieces, and training a new generation of Greeks to pay their taxes will likely require 20 years or more****. But it's a start, and a damn fine one. So, Papademos, Merkel, Sarkozy, Cameron -- get your people on the details. You can do this! Just let me know when to start writing my Nobel acceptance speech.

* See: smoking, shady bankers doing shady things, the continued movie career of Mel Gibson -- the list goes on.
** The Swiss are experts in shady art deals. See: 1938-present.
*** Since the average Greek starts work at 28 and retires at 48****.
**** As always, all jtingermany numbers have been fact-checked by Fox News.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Live Blogging Bratislava - Poppy Seed Musings

To help you better understand why I can't keep a girlfriend, here are some random thoughts inspired by my poppy cake*:

- I like to imagine that the cafe I'm in is actually a Victorian opium den. Of course, this means I try to think of my waiter (or waitress!) as having a Fu Manchu mustache. It really adds to the experience.
- I hope Mr. Peterman hasn't scheduled my drug test for tomorrow. If he has, I'm not going to get to see the Bushmen**.
- Does anyone even do opium anymore? It strikes me as the drug of choice for hipster Amish.
- I always think that Euro waitrons who claim no English are lying. Oddly enough, I'll believe it at ethnic restaurants in Dallas if the food is good enough. I figure the time they spend on great food is taken from their ESL study time.

* Not to be confused with my usual poppycock.

** Yes, that reference is nearing 15 years old. Do YOU have a better one in mind? I didn't think so.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod Touch

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

My Skills Are Complete

It's not as well-recognized as a bar mitzvah, a quinceaƱera, or even a sweet sixteen party, but when a cook makes his/her own chorizo*, it's like a Jedi building a lightsaber -- your skills are complete**. And here is the proof:

Sure, it looks like dog crap. But it tasted soooooooo good. It was missing the grease of store-bought chorizo in the USA. They make that out of some incredibly obese pigs, apparently.

* The mexican version -- I'm not smoking/curing my own meat for a while. Insert joke here.
** And, just like Yoda didn't say shit about "Hey, watch out for the Emperor shooting lightning from his hands", I also can't make a bunch of basic sauces (beurre, hollandaise, etc.) and I'm recipe-cooker. But I needed a post, so chill.

Falling Back

After spending the last month dead for tax reasons*, I'm back to blogging. And to kick it off, here are photos from a few days of biking in the 'dorf this fall -- with snark, of course. FBers go HERE for photos. And if you're wondering about the blog advertised in one of the photos, it's HERE. * Thanks, Douglas Adams!