- "If she has an adam's apple, she's a dude."
- "Yeah, it's not going to work. It's dump or be dumped."
- "Ask him/her for a threesome -- either it works or you're single again**"
- "Tell her that you feel it's inappropriate to get married while gay marriage isn't allowed"
- "You should consider a vow of celibacy"
- "Let me guess -- s/he's insisting that you get a full-body wax"
- "Don't sweat it -- everyone has a starter marriage"
- "How about faking your own death?"
* Usually good advice. Sadly, I've never emailed myself for advice.
** Thank you, George!