Monday, December 27, 2010

Time For New Relationship Advice

For the last three years or so, when people ask me for relationship advice, I always answered the same way: "Never take relationship advice from me." Then, of course, I'd still give them my completely unsupported suggestions*. So, now I'm looking for a new standard relationship advice. Here are the ones I'm considering:

  • "If she has an adam's apple, she's a dude."
  • "Yeah, it's not going to work. It's dump or be dumped."
  • "Ask him/her for a threesome -- either it works or you're single again**"
  • "Tell her that you feel it's inappropriate to get married while gay marriage isn't allowed"
  • "You should consider a vow of celibacy"
  • "Let me guess -- s/he's insisting that you get a full-body wax"
  • "Don't sweat it -- everyone has a starter marriage"
  • "How about faking your own death?"
Any suggestions?

* Usually good advice. Sadly, I've never emailed myself for advice.
** Thank you, George!

Friday, December 17, 2010

Thank You, Management Minion

I had a meeting earlier this week with my boss, one of the medium-wigs and one of his minions*. My boss explained 4 of 5 columns on a spreadsheet, and was about to move on when I chimed in (against my better judgment) to explain the 5th column. After I did, the medium-wig replied oh-so-patronizingly, "yes, obviously." Thanks, jag-weed.

So, two minutes later, his minion chimes in with, "what's this 5th column mean?" To which jag-weed replies with a near-exact copy of my description -- without any condescension at all.

Ugh, middle management. Either they don't listen or they don't care. Or both. At the same time.

* From the Greek min, meaning "monkey", and ion, meaning "dumber than"

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Conan On Superheroes

I especially like "I don't think Green Lantern returns his calls very often." Heh.

Friends' Juiciest Secrets Revealed!

After two weekends of hanging out with my friends, I've been privy to some of their deepest, darkest secrets. Normally I would keep these in confidence, but I don't have anything to blog about, soooooo...
  • Mark is worried that he'll lose the deposit on his apartment when he moves out because of the bodies in his cellar.
  • Alberto secretly misses "C-Minus" as a nickname
  • Meryl is a strict vegetarian, but she eats beef occasionally because "cows are just so damn smug"
  • Brendan doesn't go for the scruffy look because he likes it or due to laziness but because he has a crippling fear of razors
  • Adriano has been waiting for over 6 months for someone to suggest he wear a dog collar for his nickname "Big Dog".
  • Sunny leaves his apartment unlocked, door open, and a sign out front that says "Homeless Shelter" in the hopes that he can practice his unarmed combat skills.
  • Fred uses conditioner on his chest hair 
  • Ann-Katrin thinks that all humans should pose nude for art, but that animals should always be posed with clothes on
  • JT is still as full of BS as ever.

Monday, December 06, 2010

Just Germany Being Germany

No, I don't mean beating England in the World Cup or invading Poland, I mean licenses for everything. And I mean EV-ER-Y-thing. You've probably heard me mock the fact that Germans get licenses for golfing*, fishing (which involves studying for a test!), and the list goes on. But today I learned a new one: owning a big dog. That's right, if your dog is big enough, you have to have a license. There's a test, with both practical and theoretical portions. Ah, Deutschland, this is why I love you -- you're the nagging girlfriend of the UN!

Rumor is that top German researchers are doing R&D on a license for buying chilis to protect delicate palates. The test would require practical (eating a cracker with Tabasco on it) and theoretical (an essay about potential next-day complications) to pass. I'll keep you updated!

* A key part of the process is selecting ugly pants

I Love Joe Biden -- In The Onion

Biden Criticized For Appearing In Hennessy Ads
It's sad that I prefer the comic image of a boozy womanizer to the family man of reality. But for a fairly pointless office, why not have a fun distraction. Britney for VP in 2012!

Saturday, December 04, 2010

It's Surprisingly Satisfying...

Being the only happy person on the tram. I guess their dog days aren't over. Poor bastards.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Thanksgiving 2010: What I'm Thankful For

Let's be honest, I'm a smartass*. I like mocking people and I use humor as a defense mechanism. And an offense mechanism. Hey, I'm a short guy with a big mouth who doesn't like pain** -- I can't fight, so I have to mock. Anyway, I also have a sentimental side. And Thanksgiving is right in its wheelhouse. So, here's what I'm thankful for in 2010. It's not a complete list, so if you feel that you should be on the list, you are. Stay tuned for the director's cut***.

  • My family, by genes or choice
  • The OC and its imminent expansion. Huzzah for Team Benny! This doesn't include his work, which I despise for reducing Benny's DeLux time to basically zero. Jackholes.
  • Being the 3rd Wemyss
  • Finally having a 3rd Jackhole
  • A season, even a severely curtailed one, with Ultimate DeLux that culminated in playing**** Worlds
  • A captain I can respect. And mock like there's no tomorrow. After all, she is Captain Buzz Kill
  • Teammates that are awesome. Even the selfish ones that get injured or decide that a life-saving appendectomy is more important than ultimate.
  • Pre-game sermons
  • El Camino!
  • Tasty Thanksgiving food, even when cooking it generates an apartment full of dishes
  • A surprisingly revitalized social life in the 'dorf
  • The world's best collection of friends -- if you want to argue, let's go. You can trot out the fing Superfriends and I can top 'em. Bring it!
  • Running again without pain

* Lots of people (especially exes) opt to drop the "smart" here.
** To quote D. Duck, "I'm not like other people -- pain hurts me."
*** But, you know, don't hold your breath
**** Note the lack of mention of HOW we played at Worlds. That'll be on the Airing of Grievances post

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Mad Men Live Blogging - Season 4.13: Tomorrowland

This is it! The end of the Mad Men season and the harbinger of my return to normal blogging. Will the Don/Megan/Faye triangle blow up? Will Betty and Henry move? Can Roger stop being a loser? I'm thinking Yes, Yes, No.

2:00 - Oof. Faye is recommending that Don comes clean? I can't get over the feeling that she's too good to be true for him.

3:00 - Of course, now when I see Joan, I wonder if she's showing. And I think she is.

5:30 - I'm getting a Carousel vibe from Don's pitch. Does Don miss his childhood?

7:00 - Cosgrove stands up for himself? Nice!

8:15 - I was really going to mock Glen for being creepy until I found out his dad is the creator. It's a bitch when you realize that it's people that you're mocking, especially little people.  And now he doesn't seem all that creepy.

10:30 - Betty is going to fire Carla? What a complete and utter bitch. Ugh. She's such a child.

12:15 - Carla is "poisoning the well"? More psycho Betty. Is this an opening for Megan?

14:00 - I love Joyce's bemused/disgusted look at Harry's blatant come-on.  When did Harry become so sleazy?  I assumed his trips to LA were for an affair, but this is the same guy who freaked out over a drunken-JFK-victory-induced hook-up.

15:00 - Megan spending a week with Don and the kids? That has disaster written all over it. Well, disaster for the relationship with Faye, not so much for the episode.

18:00 - Wait, what? Don cops to being called Dick? I did NOT see that coming. I am worried that Megan is going to find the ring and wacky misunderstandings will ensue.

21:30 - Megan clearly told her friend about Don -- she sized him up like a farmer appraising a new mule.

22:30 - Betty's a mess, and now Don is ditching "The Spy Who Came in From The Cold" for a late night Megan rendezvous? He's so nervous -- old Don would've boldly taken charge.

24:45 - I gotta disagree with Don -- I dislike her teeth.

26:30 - Wow. Megan is really in love. Of course, she loves the image of Don, Faye loves actual Don. I think Don loves the image, too.

30:00 - It's nice to see Peggy rocking without Don.

31:00 - That looks suspiciously like the Diner in Pulp Fiction. Is Honeybunny going to jump up and yell "if any of you fucking pricks move, I'll execute every-mother-fucking-last-one of you!" I bet Betty would blame Don for that, too. Of course, Megan would probably just smooth it over.

32:45 - The old Don never would've asked her to marry him so soon. Will he cheat on her with Faye? And THAT is not going to be fun. I liked Faye.

37:55 - I do feel bad that Don is getting rehitched, but it did get a little dusty here when he & Peggy talked.

39:30 - Does this mean that Peggy and Joan are BFFs?

40:30 - I feel really, really, really bad for Faye.

42:30 - HA! I knew it! She is pregnant and has convinced Dr. Rapist that it's his. He really is a tool. On the bright side, he's in 'Nam, hopefully soon to be telegram.

I like how the women of the office (OK, fine, Peggy and Joan) lost so much respect for Don. Ironically, Peggy has lots in common with Megan, and maybe that's why she's the angriest -- Joan just seems resigned to the fact that Don is just like Roger.  I wonder if Joan gave Megan the same "use your assets" speech she gave to Peggy -- but Megan actually did it.

After a great season, this was a bit of a downer, partly because I was backing the wrong horse in the race for Don's affections. There was a lot to cover, and it's disappointing to not have anymore Roger or any follow-up to Bert leaving. While the season overall has been a solid A- or even an A, the finale was just a ...

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Mad Men Live Blogging - Season 4.12: Blowing Smoke

The penultimate episode of the season! Will SCDP survive? Can Roger avoid rock bottom? Will Don get busted by the Feds? And will he stick with Faye or continue the dalliance with Megan?

1:00 - Don is taking advantage of manipulating his girlfriend into betraying her ethics. That's how I like to start my week.

3:00 - "I don't know your company will be here in 6 months." Ouch! Even worse -- "I bet I could get a date with your mother right now."

4:45 - A domestic scene! Is Sally trying to set up a disaster to split up Henry & Betty? I'm hoping for the disaster!

6:15 - A powerhouse meeting! But how did Dr. Faye get involved?

7:10 - Our first Don-Faye shot, with Megan in the background, between them. It's subtle. Like an Eagles fan.

7:40 - And cut to Sally and creepy Glenn, who's apparently taken a class in the timeless art of seduction, football version.

9:00 - Wow! I don't know if I've seen her since the pilot! And she's married? "For the bread"?!? At least Don knows he'll get laid if he buys a painting!

12:30 - It's pretty cool to see Sally doing well. I like everyone else having shitty lives, not her. She's my hope for a happy future.

14:45 - "When she tracked you down." Ah, a scam. It's a sweet painting, though. The after images when I close my eyes aren't quite so busy.

16:30 - A heroin addict? I didn't expect this aspect of the 60s to come into play so soon.

17:55 - $300 goes to $120 with a cash discount? Kind of steep.

19:30 - Wow, Betty is a mess. Not even willing to get her own therapist. And is it just me, or does the kid shrink look

21:00 - Jesus, Peggy is turning into Twiggy. And Megan is also back to looking good after her mysterious metamorphosis last week.

23:00 - Wow. $100K from the partners? Roger should have to put up Pete's share.

24:00 - "Do you want the backwash?" That Glenn's a smooth talker, isn't he?

25:00 - Apparently the idea that the Girl on the Land O' Lakes butter box is also holding a box is causing Glenn some mental discomfort. I believe the term is "thinking".

27:00 - Wow! Trudy is morphing into her Annie from Community body in a hurry. "You are forbidden..." "You don't get to forbid me!" Ooof. All is not well at the Campbell household.

29:00 - Whew. I thought Don's interest in the painting was to upgrade from booze to heroin. Instead he seems to be becoming the Jerry Maguire of the 60s. This is definitely changing the conversation.

32:30 - OK, much like Jerry, this isn't going to be a lovefest at work. Except, of course, with Megan. I also think Peggy is going to have her work crush on Don renewed.

33:15 - RFK? I wish I could write a Bahstan accent that didn't involve the word "No-mah".

34:00 - Is it just me, or is everyone expecting "I'm late" or some other fallout every time Don and Megan speak for more than 2 words?

36:30 - After Cooper walks out, Rizzo has the best line of the night, "I didn't think they'd start [firing everyone] with him." He's a pig, but funny at times. Like Harry Plopper!

38:00 - The smirk after telling Don that "I didn't think you went in for those kind of shenanigans" is, to me, the best development of Season 4 -- Peggy and Don like AND respect each other. Cue horrible fight between them in the finale.

38:30 - I'm pretty sure that adult Glenn is not going to look back at dropping the Cokes without a word and running away from Betty as his proudest childhood moment.

39:30 - "They all want to kill me, but I have a bodyguard." Megan's unhappy look tells me she knows who the competition is.

40:30 - I don't think Don thinks losing Dr. Faye but gaining a public girlfriend is a fair trade.

41:00 - "Have your girl make reservations." Aaaaannnnddddd... Faye knows who the competition is, too. And I think suspects something.

42:00 - Uncool that Faye rejected Peggy's offer of a drink. Very cool* that Peggy has the world's largest collection of protractors on her wall.

43:00 - Betty has no body fat, yet her high-waisted pants designed by NASA still manage to give her a FUPA!

45:30 - Nice man moment for Don and Pete! A rye glass raised and a nod -- in the version of Mad Men set in the 2000s, they'd be hugging and crying while saying "I love you, too, bro!"

Verdict: Not a happy episode, but absolutely packed.  The pre-letter bits seem like a different show.  We didn't get to see the post-work date for Don and Faye, but it's definitely set up for a big final episode -- Betty moving, Don/Faye/Megan fallout, Joan (in control but barely seen), and the gang trying to survive leaner times. And with Bert "gone" (or just in a snit?), will it now be SDP? Or SDCP? Can they ditch Roger, too? He's great for the show, bad for business.

* By "cool" I mean "nerdy".

Monday, October 11, 2010

Tandem Live Blogging - Seinfeld Season 6 The Gymanst

JT 0:00: Is it just me, or is Jerry's voice more annoying during the stand-up bits?

Sean 0:45 - I'm nervous. Jerry and I made the same joke at the same time about George's stupidity, only he did it outloud and on national TV.

JT 1:00 - "if i could talk to the mothers and have sex with the daughters, I'd have something going." George is clearly an inspiration for Timberlake and Samberg.

Sean 2:00 - "there's always a price to pay for just a sexual dalliance" "Jerry, you should pay that price." I've paid that price.

Sean 2:40 - How many times do I think about putting my shirt back on when leaving the bathroom? so many.

JT - 3:00 a coworker of mine had a kidney stone. His wasn't as funny as Kramer's.

3:10 - "Knowing you is like going into the jungle -- I never know what I'll find next, and I'm real scared."

Sean 3:30 - Has Elaine ever had a boss with non-white hair? Have any of them?

Sean 4:00 - Kramer is the kind of person you know and tell them things like "this is why we don't have nice things" he's just rifling through these fancy paintings

JT 5:00 - One of the key improvements of later seasons was that George's girlfriends grew ludicrously hot.

JT 5:30 "Are you and your family close?" "Very close, almost painfully close" I almost never refer to my family that way.

Sean 6:10 - Gerorge see's the eclair in the trash and eats it. After being in Africa for 4 months, I would eat it too.
JT - Who could pass up a free eclair? It's on top of the magazine, so no problem.

JT 7:20 - "So... Ceauşescu. He must've been some dictator." I like to say this on dates that aren't going well.

JT 9:25 - It's sad how bottled water used to be a niche product, not an obsession in the usa. I hate bottled water.

Sean 10:00 - George, the eclair wasn't "hovering" in the garbage. It doesn't have a jetpack or anything.

JT 11:00 - I'm glad I'm no longer in the position to have to consider people's feelings.

Sean 11:00 - When has Jerry ever considered people's feelings?

Sean 12:10 - Why does Jerry continue to talk to women in his car? It never ever works out for him.

JT 12:50 - "The magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of" - that's just marketing nonsense from Cosmo. The magazine, not Kramer.

JT 13:50 - The most outdated line in the entire series? "How long do I have to put in, now that..." "3 weeks". I say "an SMS"
Sean 13:50 - "2 (possibly non-consecutive) weekends"

Sean 13:40 - Look at that Diet Coke can. Those are the cans my grandma bought.
JT 13:45 - Your grandma drank Diet Coke?

Sean 14:10 - Laugh track. Classic.

JT 15:10 - Jerry's reactions to George/Biff flailing on the phone is money. "Strike two!"

Sean 15:40 - Do we ever see George coming out of the bathroom in later episodes/seasons buttoning up his shirt? I mean, come on. continuity!

Sean 16:00 - I'm glad we're not live blogging our spoken commentary. Just juvenile.
JT 16:05 - Sean means "I'm glad we're not live blogging JT's spoken commentary. Just juvenile."

JT 16:30 - The first time I saw this, i thought the riding outfit was to set up the lame joke, "I haven't been on Jenny in 3 days". Oh no.

Sean 17:15 - Jerry's wearing a suede jacket. Didn't he learn that lesson earlier?

JT 1730 - I, too, blame elephants for all the ills of society

JT 1900 - Is this before or after the jujyfruits? Either way, Elaine would much rather lose a job/boyfriend than engage in mild confrontation.

Sean 19:00 - George says maybe he'll go upstairs "just to use the bathroom". JT looks at me and says that is a money move. "It's worked several times for me," he says. "Just say you have to use the bathroom and next thing you know, you're makin' out and- BOOM you're in!"

Sean 20:40 - The whole reason we're watching this ep is for the classic demeanor george has when he walks out of the shitter with his shirt off. Delivery. Pure delivery.

JT 21:30 - The Mr. Pitt as Hitler bit is much funnier since it wouldn't be allowed in Germany.

JT 22:30 - 16 years ago! That's not recent.

*** Bonus commentary on the deleted scenes***
Sean - I see why these were deleted.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Mad Men Live Blogging - Season 4.11: Chinese Wall

1:30 - "Nobody talk! I'm really stoned." Now, that's what you want to hear from your driver. And, hi, Joyce!

2:30 - Apparently liberal boy has learned something!

4:00 - Cosgrove has a family? And now he has the dirt on Lucky Strike?

6:30 - Nice job of acting by Roger. It can't be easy to fake indignance on a secret you've been hiding for weeks.

11:45 - "I'm not letting you leave" Nice work, Peggy!  Taking control!

15:15 - "Sounds like everything's under control!" Rizzo the art boy is clearly an idiot to drink the company Kool-Aid so blatantly.

18:00 - Roger has never been more pathetic. That call was like a cold shower to Joan.

23:00 - Don needs Megan to police his drinking? At least he knows it, I guess.  Or is this his way of increasing their intimacy?  I know it's mine.

26:30 - "I'm not a solution to your problems, I'm a problem."  My dates use this line on me all the time.  Is that bad?

30:00 - Nice work, Don! Now you have relationship problems, too!

33:45 - Rizzo comes on to Peggy, then doesn't tell her she has lipstick on her teeth? What a tool.

37:45 - So, Megan wants to be Peggy? Cynical JT thinks she might have an ulterior motive.

40:30 - Aaaaannnddddd... she does. But is she really ok with a fling on the couch? Then again, maybe she's Don's ticket to the Sexual Revolution. How's he going to feel about that?

43:00 - "I'm so proud of you" I'm not sure that's a good idea -- Roger seems like he wants to ride this self-pity thing out rather than have sex with his hot young wife.

45:00 - Faye sold out her ethics for Don? He must feel great right now!

Verdict: The ante has been upped! I see Faye and Don falling apart ASAP as he falls under the sway of the lovely artist Megan. Will Roger be tossed out, or will they make a last blackmail-y ploy on Lee, Jr?

Monday, September 27, 2010

Mad Men Live Blogging - Season 4.10: Hands And Knees

Hmmmm... "Hands And Knees"? That can't be good. My bet is Betty begs Don to come back

1:00 - Could Roger look any older?

1:45 - Joan's "very late"? This is not surprising. But I don't think Roger understands that she actually wants a kid. And I'm pretty sure a 3rd abortion won't help.

3:15 - Sally's got her Beatles scream ready! And at Shea, no less!

5:00 - Your wife has no wish to see you unless you're in London? Sounds like true love!

7:10 - Lane wants Don to join him and Dad for dinner? Does this mean Don is also supplying escorts? I guess at the Playboy club, that's not necessary. Yet.

8:45 - Has Lane come down with a case of jungle fever? And does he really want to fawn over the Bunnies with his dad there?

10:10 - Wait. Don is requesting security clearance? Hooboy.

11:00 - "Do you have any reason to believe that Mr. Draper isn't who he says he is?" Well, only if you count him admitting to stealing another man's identity.

12:30 - Don is sweating like he's up for the death penalty.

14:00 - And now so is Megan. Is she more worried about losing her job or her crush?

15:30 - Ouch! Roger getting the full moral lecture from his doc is quite the contrast to a still-married Lane expressing his love for his, and I QUOTE, "chocolate bunny*". Even the pun doesn't save that.

18:30 - Roger is careening wildly through his "what are we going to do?" talk with Joan -- starting with "what if this is a sign" then "maybe I'm in love with you" to "No, of course not" when asked if he wants it. Then bouncing to "you can keep it, but it won't be mine" followed by a implying how everything works if Dr. Rapist gets killed. Joan takes control by pushing him away.

21:30 - "I don't have to live with your shit over my head." Pete HAS grown some balls!

24:30 - Holy crap! That is one young mother-daughter pair at the clinic. Fortunately mom has Joan to talk to during the wait. Joan apparently isn't comfortable owning up to being the one getting the "procedure".

28:00 - Lucky Strike is ditching SCDP? This doesn't bode well for Don's defense department issues.

31:00 - Don is officially losing it! Not good, but exciting. Well, as exciting

33:30 - Jesus Christ! Lane's dad cold-clocked him with his cane and threatened him unless he fixed his life. THAT's a hardass father.

35:30 - Pete whining about how the honest people have to cover for the liars is pretty sweet. I guess he forgot about the nanny from down the hall.

39:45 - Faye passes the "Korea test". Unfortunately, now Pete knows they're sleeping together.

44:00 - I guess you can't say "fucked up" on AMC. I'm amazed Pete actually took that tirade for Don. Wow.

46:40 - So, Don's got a thing for Megan, eh? Smart move, taking interest in another secretary now that Faye knows the secret. No risk there!

This is developing into quite an interesting end to the season. I was completely wrong about the title, unsurprisingly.  Will Don face his past or keep running? Will Megan be the next stop on the race? And will Sally still have a voice after screaming for 2 hours straight?  This would've been a classic, but it has the feel of an episode that's an appetizer rather than delivering a full meal.  Especially as it seems the potentially great storyline of Lane and his black girlfriend seems to be buried, as does a Joan pregnancy.
Verdict: B

* I originally heard this as the incredibly offensive "jungle bunny" but Lane is apparently less of a jackhole than I'd thought. My bad!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Outsourced Live Blogging: Pilot

It's supposed to be the most offensive new show on TV -- how could I not watch it? If you know anything about me, you know I love two things: offensive humor and the wrong women*. All Offensiveness Ratings (OR) will be on a scale of 10, with 1 being "you jerk!" and 10 being "Go **&* yourself, you *(&^ *&$#!" So, here we go!

1:00 - Wait, it's his first day back from management training and he's wearing a corduroy jacket and his tie is loose? Not a good sign.

1:40 - OK, they score some points for having Arthur Bryant's BBQ. Damn that makes me hungry. Risotto with bresaola is great, but I do miss good ribs.

2:00 - "It's like Frogger, but with real people!" OR: 1.3

3:30 - If the angry-looking Sikh had gotten up and assassinated the boss, that would have been simultaneously the most intelligent joke of the night AND an OR of 10! Instead, he just looks angry which is OR: 3

4:20 - "Your name is Manmeet? It must be hard to chat on the internet with a name like Manmeet" OR: 6. Really working the name/accent stereotypes here, they're going to need to up their game if they want to make it truly reprehensive.

5:30 - Cow outside the window, OR: 2. "I guess you don't have to go far for the creamer" and raised eyebrow/hand gesture combo, OR: 4

7:10 - "Do you hate your own ass?" If I hadn't lived abroad in 3 countries,
OR: 6. Having done so, and had stomach problems on arrival in all 3, OR: 3.

9:00 - "They're all descended from convicts. God, I love Australian women"
OR: 5. Think I'm overstating? Try it as an opening line the next time you meet an Aussie.

10:30 - Avoiding the creepy guy that talks your ear off?
OR: 0 . This is a necessary life skill.

14:30 - This whole bit with Indians not understanding that Americans just waste their money on a bunch of crap? Unfunny AND
OR: 7. Not to Indians, but to the millions of Americans who've devoted their lives to convincing the rest of the world to be as materialistic and shallow as us. They lost a lot of good men out there!

15:30 - "We're in Detroit, city of motors and black people!" Following the "K is for Krishna" bit,
OR: 6

16:00 - Wanting to fire a woman just because she's lower caste? Even for the office jackhole, this is
OR: 8

18:15 - Office nerd singing and dancing to "Don'cha"?
OR: 2, and that's for the dated song. Tik Tok would've been fine.

19:00 - Rajiv trying to suck up while not knowing who the Bad News Bears are?
OR: 0. Finishing with "Who wants a bear in their village?" OR: 5

So, overall? I actually didn't think it was anywhere as bad as predicted. Actually, as an American living abroad, the jackass American was as offensive as anything else in the show (but also, unfortunately, not completely unreasonable -- like several of the other offensive jokes). The show was also funniest when not dealing in stereotypes but instead working with the idea of the B team loser dynamic, which is, without a doubt, definitely an issue in outsourcing.
Verdict: C+,
OR: 5.2

* No, not you**.
** Not you, either***.
*** Yep, you.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Mad Men Live Blogging - Season 4.9: The Beautiful Girls

2:00 - Don and Dr. Freud having some Afternoon Delight! Niiiiiiiice.

3:30 - Don leaves her at his place? And no slapping? AND he's sober? It's a whole new world for Don!

4:45 - First the publisher, then Joan shoots him down?

5:45 - Telling Peggy to wait so he can have a post-coital nap? Don's mojo is back, baby!*

10:15 - Peggy is taking ethics lessons from a guy out of "West Side Story"? "Most of the things negroes can't do, I can't do either." Touché!

13:15 - Good to see Joan is turning down Roger's attempt to use Dr. Rapist's move to Vietnam to hook up.

16:45 - Hooray for Sally!

19:15 - I'm thinking printing an essay that will get a woman fired is not flattery as much crazy.

20:05 - Holy crap! Blankenship's dead? This is turning into a screwball 60s comedy. But the reaction on Ken's face when Pete and Joan wheel her out is priceless.

25:15 - Is the hot French secretary going to try to move into Don's life?

27:15 - A promise? Really? You know she has truth issues?

28:30 - "Every time I think back, all the good stuff was with you." OK, that's a good line. I'm using that the next time I want to get back with an ex.**

30:15 - Jebus, Roger -- you didn't want to take a cab in NY-fing-C because "it's a beautiful night"?!? Are you a moron?

31:15 - Apparently, not. I had no idea Joan was turned on by getting mugged. I guess the neighborhood is more romantic and less a dump after surviving a stick up.

33:30 - Sally is making French Toast? Though I'm a bit worried that Don is continuing to eat his rum-covered breakfast.

36:45 - Don is, thankfully, sober. And Megan is taking over his desk? That could be an issue. Aaaaannnddd apparently the peanut gallery agrees.

38:45 - Peggy's audition as the office liberal was not so successful.

40:45 - Megan is good with Sally! She's not officially a dark horse candidate for the next Mrs. Draper.

42:15 - Megan is also into Don. Big time. Wow. Or is it that she wants kids?

44:15 - And Faye "didn't really sleep"? Is that related to her dinner plans from the previous night?

45:15 - Joyce is kind of giving Peggy the lesbian hard-sell, isn't she?

46:45 - I like the ending, with the new trio of office women. Note that only the single woman looks even vaguely happy. Faye looks like Blankenship died because of her bad mothering skills.

Verdict: The zany nature of the episode took quite a turn with Sally's tantrum. I'm not sure about introducing another hot brunette secretary that's in love with Don, but maybe she'll be a good counterpart to Faye. Speaking of whom, this episode made her appear far more vulnerable, which is not normally Don's cup of tea. I don't think it bodes well for them. Still, very good...

* Yes, George, I'm using your "baby" now.
** If you're an ex, I mean you, not those other tramps. Bitches, all of them. Only you, baby.

Did Lack Of Spandex Cause My Ankle Injury?

I went in for my post-surgery checkup last week. This involved changing the bandages, poking at the stitches to make sure they were incredibly sensitive*, and updating me on the prognosis. Being a nerd with illusions of athleticism, I asked when I could play sports again. Dr. Helpful Surgeon said, "You shouldn't play football** or frisbee again, or this could recur. You should try another sport -- like swimming, cycling or skating. If football is a religion for you, you can keep playing, but I wouldn't."

My response:

  • WTF?
  • Wait, no ultimate?
  • Seriously, WTF?
  • Why is it that all the sports he recommends seem to require being clad only in spandex***? Did he forget to mention jazzercise?

Fortunately, my regular orthopaedist was back this week, and he said I could return to playing normally later this year, as long as I get in shape first. Apparently, I'm now what doctors call "old" and I need to "accept" this and "stop thinking I'm in my 20s". The hot nurse added that I should "stop thinking I could date women in their 20s", but I think she was kidding.
* Sweet Jebus, were they ever.
** Soccer. I'm not so homesick that I would consider playing tackle football. I'm still not a fan of pain.
*** Especially in Germany. Germans LOVE wearing full-body spandex outfits to go biking or skating.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Jets Harassment - She Was Asking For It? WTF?

After the Jets players and coaches acted like frat boys toward Inés Sainz, I expected fairly universal condemnation. And there was, except that the target of the condemnation was NOT universal. Ashley Fox and Jemele Hill said, basically, "The Jets were jerks, buuuuuut because Sainz had previously done fluff pieces at the Super Bowl AND she was dressed to kill, she shares the blame." WTF? To be fair, Hill went the route of saying (and I'm paraphrasing), "I'm not saying she shares the blame, but she needs to realize that women sports reporters have to dress conservatively, or they risk harassment." This is smart -- she condemns the behavior while also implying that Sainz was partially at fault. But since it's an implication, she is covered in case someone* accuses them of blaming the victim.

Fox, meanwhile, goes further and explicitly says (and here I AM quoting), "frankly, she brought the Jets' behavior on herself." What? I thought being a jackass was the responsibility of the jackass, not the object of the jackassery?

It's good to know that pro football players are being held to a higher standard -- than adultering men under Sharia law. Rant over!

* like, say, me

Saturday, September 18, 2010

I Actually Feel Sorry For Rush. Kind Of.

Apparently, at least one of Rush Limbaugh's "fact checkers" isn't just lazy, s/he's a liar, too. After doing some intense "research" on Wikipedia, the jackhole* in question didn't fess up to his/her source, but instead claimed to have used the original article cited -- an article that never existed. Of course, the "facts" cited were so believable that no further checking seemed necessary -- who hasn't seen a federal judge with three bear's heads mounted in the courtroom to “instill the fear of God into the accused” ?

So, if you're keeping score at home, Rush is kind of a victim here, as it was a lying fact checker that screwed up, BUT Rush wasn't smart enough to smell bullshit on such obvious Wikifraudery. So, kind of a mixed bag for everyone's (least) favorite obese, ill-informed, hypocritical blowhard.

* Relax, it's a gender-neutral term.

Celebrate - Mexico-Style!

Apparently Ronaldo 1.0 isn't the only soccer player with a thing* for transvestite prostitues -- Mexico national teamers Carlos Vela and Carlos Salcido celebrated a 1-0 victory over Columbia with a party with "family and friends"... and 15 sex workers. They'd dropped plans for a night out "due to security fears". And what makes you more secure than a cozy night in with loved ones -- and those paid to be loved?

* Or, to be fair, the only one unable to distinguish garden-variety female hookers from those that are packin' a package.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

That Was A Mistake

A friend recently recommended an Arkanoid-like game on the App Store, and that made me think, "maybe the original Arkanoid is available?" I NEVER should have wondered this, because then I wouldn't be hooked on fing Arkanoid. Ugh. Only a few more levels!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Self-Portraits Are NOT Easy

Sure, I didn't cut off an ear or anything, but the seemingly-simple process of taking a self-portrait is actually rather complex. Sadly, this was BEFORE any Belgian beer was ingested for the day.

Brussels Beer Fest 2010 - The Fun

FBers go HERE for photos.

So, you've* seen the photos of the beer, but what about the fun? Well, wait no longer, the photos are ready!

* The "you" in question is Steve, the Official Reader of JTInGermany.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Mad Men Live Blogging - Season 4.8: The Summer Man

After last week's SPECTACULAR Don-Peggy episode, this one looks like a doozy -- Betty & the fam, Joanie and Dr. Rapist, Dr. Freudian Dream and more Peggy? Yes, please!

2:00 - Don swims laps? Not very well, apparently. And writes in a diary? About his drinking? Let's hope he's turning the corner.

4:00 - Rocking a cigarette machine back and forth? Is this a metaphor for breaking up?

5:00 - I think some of the Jersey Shore cast members are smarter than Joey. What kind of moron freelance copywriter is dumb enough to mess with Joan? To quote Frank Sinatra, Joan's got "chunks of guys tougher than you in my stool."* I do like Rizzo mooning them in the background, though. A pressed ham is rarely NOT funny.

5:45 - On the other hand, telling ANYONE that they "look like you're trying to get raped" is never funny. Not even in 1965. Then to say she looks like a "madam from a Shanghai whorehouse"? Ugh. I hope he's 1-A when Johnson ramps up the draft.

8:45 - Seeing Joan breakdown because Dr. Clueless doesn't understand her work situation is heartbreaking. On the bright side, the DO use live ammo at basic training...

12:00 - As disconcerting as it is to hear Don writing in his diary (journal? proto-memoirs?), him staring at the booze is much worse. I think this season is sponsored by AA.

15:10 - Was Joey being hit on? Or is Harry just too nice? I'm betting the latter. But Joey has Mommy issues and is a jackass? Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

16:10 - "Every date feels like a first date with you." Tom Hanks gets this a lot, too.

18:30 - "The governor is putting together a team with his eye on '72" - I thought overly-early campaigning is a new thing. But 7 years? Not even Teddy Kennedywould need that long to get ready.

19:00 - Nothing makes for a more rewarding date than seeing your ex rush to the bathroom in an emotional fit. "I hate him." "Hate's a strong word, Betty. I hate Nazis." Thanks for clearing that up, champ.

21:00 - Betty needs to work on her throwing-the-man-out skills. Such an amateur.

21:40 - Don's double standard! So, it's a problem when the woman is pushy wanting more time, but when her taking charge leads to a BJ, that's ok? Oh, right.

23:15 - For any of you thinking of getting into a relationship in the 60s, remember, phone booths might SEEM private, but everyone can hear you.

25:45 - "You need three ingredients for a cocktail. Vodka and Mountain Dew is an emergency." Yes, and it's called finals week.

27:00 - "Peggy Olsen - pioneering the science of Wet Blanketry". I like it. I like it a lot.

30:00 - "Remember, you're not dying for me, because I never liked you." Dammit, is Joan going to fall apart, too?

34:30 - Don gets shot down AND gets a date. Dr. Freud is a complex woman.

36:00 - Every time I think Peggy and Joan might bond, this happens. Joan's right, though -- Peggy did kind of kneecap her on this.

39:30 - "You smell nice." "So do you. Like... chlorine?" Did chlorine smell better in 1965?

40:15 - Is Dr. Freud's dad in the mob?

41:30 - Is Don getting a date AND free therapy? Though Dr. Freud is far sexier at work -- the demure look doesn't wear well on her.

46:00 - A kids version of "Big Rock Candy Mountain"? It's cool that timeless hobo classics can be kept alive for the next generation. Of hobos.

Verdict? Another great episode, mainly because DON HAS PULLED IT TOGETHER. Or so we can hope. The big three of Peggy, Joan and Don all had big moments, but Joan seems to be going down. Hopefully the impending loss of Dr. Rapist will spur a rebound for her, too. Still, 2 out of 3 isn't bad. No Roger, and only a single Pete line, but still good.

* Damn, I love that skit.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Basketball World Championships Live Blogging: USA - Lithuania 1st Half

The Russian Bear is down, and now Lithuania looms. Can the USA B-Team keep it up? Is it true that Kevin Durant and Kevin Love have agreed to sing a duet of "Ebony and Ivory" if the team wins gold? Will the cognitive dissonance of switching from "The Constant Gardner" to international hoops be too much for your intrepid live blogger? Can I bring the requisite snark with no beer at hand? So many questions!

5:50pm - I gotta say, the Lithuanians have some hot fans. I'm curious what the Russian crowd looked like.

5:55pm - I could definitely have lived without the extreme closeup on Coach K. Thank God I don't have an HD tuner.

6:00pm - I wonder how Kevin Durant feels to be called the second-best player at the tournament?

6:02pm - We have our 1st Dirk commercial! Hopefully the pregame is done and we can get to the hoops.

9:40Q1 - Billups has his man up in the air on a pump-fake and politely waits for him to get reset before forcing the missed three. Then he gets blocked on the next possession. Say hello to Big Shot Chauncey!

7:00Q1 - Apparently the Lithuanians' scouting report didn't say, "Don't leave Durant wide open for 3".

5:00Q1 - It also apparently forgot to mention, "Don't let Durant get the -and 1".

4:30Q1 - Dirk commercial #2! And after the LTU (are they sponsored by the airline?) timeout, all 5 players sprint down to stop the fast break as soon as the LTU shot is in the air. I wonder what they discussed during the TO?

2:30Q1 - It's hard to fault the announcer for calling the USA D "unbelievably aggressive" -- if he's only seen regular season NBA hoops.

1:25Q1 - Rudy Gay is so happy to not be in Memphis that he's smiling as he's called for a stupid foul on a half-assed box out.

Q1 Over! - Dirk #3! Aside from Durant, the USA looks pretty horrible on offense. Think the USA World Cup team without Donovan and Dempsey. It would've been unembarassing if Westbrook had been more concerned with scoring than throwing down a monster dunk. The timeout dancers aren't bad, though.

5:35Q2 - It's been a snoozer with the 2nd teams in. The USA's "offense" is now 1 pass, 1 headfake, then a chuck or a drive. It's basically the Princeton offense. The Princeton Middle School, not Princeton University.

5:23Q2 - If you're going to have HUGE arms (hellllooooo, cycling!) and a shark tattoo, you should probably not toss up an airball on your free throw. Maybe swap out the biceps work for some FT practice?

2:45Q2 - Westbrook with the LeBron! A great come-from-behind swat. His O has been sketchy, but he's a hell of a defender. As is Iguodola.

2:15Q2 - Kleiza just tried the Wesley Snipes ball fake from "White Men Can't Jump". It didn't work.

Halftime - Dirk #6 (I skipped a few)! The USA got their act together, but we look sadly ineffective if Durant isn't getting it done. However, it's a 17-point game, so I'm not going to live blog the 2nd half. You'll get over it, though.

Public Idiocy, Part 73

One of the great things about the tinterwebs is that it allows people of no talent to embarrass themselves publicly to an extent never before seen in human history. In the past, you could be a no-talent-ass-clown in front of a few hundred people -- if you were lucky. But now? Tens of thousands, if not millions, of people can see you humiliate yourself. It's awesome. So, enjoy.

Friday, September 10, 2010

The Delicate Genius Double Standard

As my friends know, I do LOOOOOVE double standards*. The visionary George Costanza ranted about the "delicate genius has a policy!" of 24 hours cancellation that only applies to the patient, I had a similar experience this week with my physical therapist. Just like George, I was late on Thursday by 10 minutes due to my doctor's appointment running late. The PT (physio) was pretty annoyed and said my session would be reduced by 10 minutes. Cut to today, and SHE is late by 10 minutes. Of course, this is No Big Deal. However, the session was still cut a bit short. You'll all be proud that i did NOT go off on a rant, though. I picked up my crutches and quietly gimped my way out.

* Seriously, I do like the ones that favor me. That's my own, personal double standard.

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Brussels Beer Fest 2010 - The Beers

FBers go HERE for photos!

So, our plans of attending all 3 days of the beer festival were changed due to factors both in and out* of our control. But we made the most of it on Saturday**. So here are the beers. The hilarity will follow in a subsequent post (in the blogging world, that's called "milking it").

* Friday traffic
** That's the factor in our control that caused us to skip Sunday.

Monday, September 06, 2010

Mad Men Live Blogging - Season 4.7: The Suitcase

Last week's episode rocked, but Don fell further. Any chance of that changing tonight? I doubt it.

1:15 - JFC, they get to go to Clay - Liston? Bastards.

2:30 - And winner of the most racist comment of the season goes to Mrs. Clueless for, "If I wanted to see two negroes fight, I'd throw a dollar bill out my window." After the anti-Semitic jokes a minute ago, I'm wondering why anyone misses the 60s. Well, anyone other than white males.

4:20 - Apparently even sober Don is a dick.

4:40 - And on Peggy's birthday, no less. At least one of the drunk, out of control ad men in her life remembered. Hi Duck!

6:30 - "Peg, I'm falling apart. Don't you know you're the last thing that made me feel good about myself?" That doesn't fly with Peggy. He should try a woman with no self-esteem.

8:00 - Don refuses to return an urgent phone call from CA and then begs out of dinner because the AA guys will be there? Not good.

11:00 - Trudy likes Peggy! And then ruins it by saying, "26 is still very young"

16:30 - What a beatdown -- trapped in the office with your boss. And your apparently teenaged boyfriend is whining. At least the gang is only going to a closed-circuit replay and not the actual fight.

20:00 - Peggy is skipping out on the boyfriend and the family for drunk Don? The family I can understand. But Archie?

21:30 - Way to go, Archie! Dumping Peggy on her birthday! Over the phone! That's the equivalent of an SMS breakup today.

24:15 - Peggy's hardass facade is, apparently, just a facade. Damn Don.

26:30 - Listening to Roger's memoirs is bad enough -- laughing at Bert Cooper's orchiectomy* is not cool. I guess that partially explains the portliness.

28:30 - Was it me, or did Don look terrified when the phone rang?

31:30 - Change of location, this could get awkward.

33:00 - Whew, the talk about Peggy and Allison seems to have killed chances of Don making another major mistake

35:00 - OK, his first pickup line was NOT the worst ever. "I need you so bad" after being stopped in the middle of taking a dump in your nemesis's office**

37:30 - Duck's a good figher for a drunk. And Don being forced to say "Uncle" is so humiliating.

39:45 - Is Don hallucinating or did he really just see her spirit?

43:30 - Don breaking down is not easy to see.

46:00 - I think Don just said thanks and sorry when he held Peggy's hand.

Vedict: Another strong episode! Though I was pretty scared that Don was going to wet himself after his aborted brawl with Duck. The big question: how will his dynamic with Peggy change now that she's seen just how fragile he is? Also, will we get to see more of Megan? She's very hot. I mean, talented. So, horrible birthday, great episode. It gets an:

* "Inguinal orchiectomy (also spelled orchidectomy) is a surgical procedure to remove a testicle and the full spermatic cord through an incision in the abdomen" - Thanks, Wiki!
** Actually, NOT his office

Thursday, September 02, 2010

Weddings: Dijon

Photos from Kenn & Laura's wedding in Dijon. Artillery, puppet shows, and booze -- it has it all! Also general jackassery and snark, of course.

FBers go HERE for photos.

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Travel: Lyon

For some reason, I decided, without consulting a map, that Lyon was close to Dijon. Why Dijon? A friend got hitched there over the weekend, and I needed to fly there. It turns out that Paris is closer, but this way I got to see what is rumored to be the culinary capital of France. The food was tasty, but not spectacular. Though I have to admit, while I've enjoyed almost every French meal in France, I've only been blown away once or twice. Probably because of my Asian stomach.

Anyway, photos. FBers go HERE.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Mad Men Live Blogging - Season 4.6: Waldorf Stories

It's Monday, time for some Mad Men! Will Don woo Honda -- or the psychologist? Will Roger refuse to eat sushi? Let the fun begin!

2:00 - Wow. Talk about bad resumes. 5 riffs on the same idea, then ads he likes? It's too bad this guy is such a square, because he's got the perfect skill set for an unemployed hippie.

3:30 - "It's a relief to see someone worse than me" - I've been waiting for a nice, pithy summary of my dating choices, and this is it.

5:30 - Roger is writing his memoirs? Well, dictating them, at least.

6:30 - Flashback to Roger & Don's first meeting! And the model in Don's ad campaign for the fur company? Betty. I wonder if those two crazy kids will make it?

9:00 - "For my wife" Riiiiight. It's good to see Joan happy, though. Probably not so good that the "work story" for the memoir is an unflattering one to Don.

11:30 - Peggy has apparently followed Pete's lead and also grown a pair.

14:30 - Duck is back! And, unfortunately, back on the sauce. Was Peggy there when it happened?

16:00 - Peggy's no longer enamored of Don, apparently. Taking credit for her work isn't flattering?

17:15 - I like how Roger AND Don hold Joan's hand -- I thought for different reasons, but Don did go for a kiss. Niiiiiice!

18:45 - I assume Peyton Place is the Melrose Place of the 60s? Or is about the Colts?

19:30 - Ooof. Don a la Booze is not the right dish to serve.

21:30 - Bizarro Don is back! The opposite of season 1's Carousel, now he's just offering bad puns on "Life".

23:45 - Bitter, insecure Pete is back! And a bit chastened that Lane actually likes him.

27:15 - Fine, shoot him down, but do you really need to give mixed signals?  Don's now 0-for-2 with the hot psychologist, right?  But she's clearly tempted.  I'm now hoping for her since I think Joan may be destined for Roger.

28:30 - "I know you're ashamed of your body, or you should be." "I can work like this, let's get liberated." Having recently rewatched the pilot episode, I can easily say that based solely on that, this scene is less plausible than Don being in training for the Apollo missions.

31:15 - "You've crossed the border from lubricated to morose." Ahhhh, Joan. Beautiful and wise. 

32:30 - Now we see the key to his morose-itosity: Don was nothing and Roger was the big shot.

34:45 - Nice work by Peggy!

36:30 - Waking up on Sunday thinking it's Saturday with a different woman? Who calls you by your real name? I think this might, finally, hopefully, be rock bottom.

38:45 - Or not. He's already back to the booze. And looks like complete shit, too.

42:00 - I like that there's been a steady trickle, and not a stream, of jokes about how useless his new secretary is.

44:15 - Pete is getting
really good at lording power over people.

46:30 - Don was hired because Roger was DRUNK? That's pretty sweet. And doesn't bode well for Don's reign as creative king.

Verdict? Another great episode, though the expected payoff of "Mikey Likes It" will have to wait -- Wiki says until 1974. Don's drinking is getting worse, not better, and the only question is if Peggy will try to help him or take his spot like she did Rumsen. So I give it a:

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Live Blogging - The Naked Gun

I'm in Lyon and Dijon for a wedding, so I'll let you enjoy this bit of pre-recorded Live Blogging.

One of the all-time comedy classics from my childhood, or so I remember it. But how does it hold up more than 20 years later?

0:00 - Of all the evil heads of state, only Qhadafi* is still in power. And only Amin (and maybe the Ayatollah Assaholla) is still seen as a complete asshat.

4:20 - You know what's not outdated? Shower scenes.

5:15 - Hey! It's OJ! I loved him in these! How come you never see him in movies or commercials any more?

7:00 - The beyond over-the-top death scene here reminds everyone that the tone of the intro was, in fact, what they should expect from the movie.

9:20 - "He has a 50/50 chance of living, though there's only a 10% chance of that."

10:00 - Wow. That hospital room looks really, really outdated. It does have one of those cool pump things, though.

11:15 - I love the exchange with Nordberg's wife: "Frank, who could do such a thing?" "It's had to say. A blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover..."

14:00 - "No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us, as Americans we must be gracious and considerate hosts." I love randomly quoting this line to Brits.

16:00 - The floating body outline is possibly my favorite sight gag in the movie.


21:45 - "Nice beaver!" "Thanks, I just had it stuffed."

24:00 - Khan does a great job at being the obvious, smarmy 80s bad guy. Though I'm not sure if it's a parody or an attempt at a straight portrayal.

26:00 - The gadget guy's bits are pretty tired, expect for Fred gasping, "Ted! Why?" as he falls. It's the details that make great comedy.

30:45 - Drebin having trouble getting the pillow off his face is so money.

31:30 - The Drivers' Ed chase scene (start the video around the 1:20 mark) is sweet. "Normally you would not be going 65 down the wrong way of a one-way street." Following this instructions on giving the finger? Genius.

36:00 - After the ultra-straight delivery of the blatant innuendos, her defense of "I was young! I needed the work!" when Drebin mentions "interesting" photos he saw is pretty hilarious.

40:45 - "You really mean that? You're not just saying that because we exchanged bodily fluids?"

44:00 - The care Drebin shows in putting everything back as he found it is key to the hilarity when it all falls apart.

47:00 - "When I see five weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a guy in the middle of a park in full view of a hundred people, I shoot the bastards. That's my policy." Too bad it was Shakespeare in the Park.

52:00 - "He's got a picture of your wife! ... Anyone else here seeing his wife?"

55:00 - For my money, there's very little physical comedy funnier than having a man mount the queen on a banquet table. Heh.

55:30 - "Just think - the next time I shoot someone, I could go to jail."

57:30 - The baseball scene! Definitely the highlight. The 7-person announcer booth isn't all that implausible now. It's bizarre that Dick Vitale looks exactly the same as he does now.

1:00:00 - So, do you think Roseanne was ripping off this scene when she sucked at the anthem? I think she just sucks.

1:02:00 - As a civilian, Frank now has two assaults in 3 minutes. That's strong work.

1:03:00 - The baseball scenes are among the funniest in sports movies, but most are visual. Enjoy. What stands out is that this is the last time I actually enjoyed a Randy Newman song. Talk about your no-talent-ass-clowns, how did he make it big?

1:11:22 - Do you think it was this game that made the manager of the Angels turn to crime and eventually become a mob boss in "Reservoir Dogs"?

1:13:30 - "Hey! It's Enrico Palazzo!"

1:16:20 - "I've finally found someone I can love. Good, clean love -- without utensils."

1:18:30 - Do you think Nordberg's white van was wheelchair-accessible?

Verdict: Not as good as I remembered, but still solid. Sadly, I've matured a bit, and I prefer slightly more cerebral humor now. But it was interesting to see how many of the jokes were later recycled (homaged?) on the Simpsons, Family Guy, etc.


* I use alternate spellings

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Sepp Blatter - Only Russian Bribes Can Prevent England From Hosting WC 2018

FIFA Chief Sleaze Officer Sepp Blatter recently raised England's hopes of hosting the World Cup in 2018 by stating, "The easiest way to organise the World Cup is to go to England. Everything is there -- fans, stadiums, infrastructure -- it's easy."

He then immediately shit on their sundae* by adding, "You cannot deny Russia if they bid for something. They are more than a country. They are a big continent, a big power."

The official JTInGermany translation? "Make me an offer I can't refuse, Mr. Putin."

* And crushed their only hope of winning.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

A Gift From The Blog Gods

Sometimes you stumble upon* an ad that needs little or no introduction to be a blog post. Had I seen Activia before the SNL parody, it would have been a perfect example. Or, if I had invented blogging in time to write about Viagra, that would've been another example. The most recent? The Better Marriage Blanket. Does it keep one of you warm while the other stays cold? Does it hide the sight of your partner from you? No. It absorbs your partner's nasty nighttime farts and thus saves your marriage. An excerpt from the product site:

Experience the fresh air! The Better Marriage Blanket is an odor eliminating blanket and makes a great gift for weddings, anniversaries and birthdays.

You're (soon-to-be) welcome, Mrs. CW!

* Or, more accurately, are emailed an URL

Monday, August 23, 2010

Mad Men Live Blogging - Season 4.5: The Chrysanthemum And The Sword

Donny Advertising is plummeting into the abyss. Can anything be done?

1:00 - Don's old secretary is still there! Good for her. But not such a good sign for him. At least he gets some more face time with the hot Freudian.

3:15 - Bert isn't so delightful when he's arguing against civil rights. He also looks pretty beaten down. I wonder if going barefoot all the time is giving him static electricity poisoning?

4:30 - Who is Dr. Lyle Evans? According to Google, he was no one until this episode -- 9 of the top 10 hits are variations on this question. The other is the head of the Sasketchewan Public Library. Also, Roger is still bitter 20 years after WWII.

6:20 - Don has the kids for a night so he goes to Benihana? Is this research for the meeting with Honda? At least it gives Sally and the nurse a chance to bond.

8:00 - Hey! It's Thanksgiving girl! And she knows how to use chopsticks! I hope Don hires her so that he can hook up with her.

11:00 - Wait. Don paid the nurse and didn't have sex with her? He's totally lost his mo-jo.

13:00 - I like how Henry takes a second to throw Don under the bus before he actually acts like a decent person. Sneazy*! I like it.

15:00 - I like the translator. I hope they get the gig.

17:00 - First, Pete gives the cheapest gift to the boss. Then he can't keep Roger away.

19:00 - Ooooh! The boys are fighting!

21:30 - "Playing with herself"? Did they say that in 1965? And WTF? Remind me to never have children in the 60s.

24:30 - Apparently being interrupted with your child's public display of masturbation kills the mood.

29:30 - Remind me not to get divorced, too.

31:00 - Don is also sneazy!

33:30 - $3,000 is too much for a test commercial? They should get Samberg and Parnell to do it.

36:00 - "Why does everyone need to talk about everything?" I ask myself the same thing during team meetings.

37:00 - Psst, Don, you're doing that whole talking-about-everything thing you were just whining about. If you don't have your steely gaze, you're opening up to (instead of hitting on) her.

38:00 - "Fake dinner plans with your fake husband?" Not your best line, Don.

39:45 - "I was private and I mostly outgrew it." Key word is "mostly".

41:00 - The therapist is officially the most normal person on the show.

43:00 - Don uses Chemical Bank! Just like Nana on Seinfeld!

44:00 - Nice work, Joan! Talking Roger off the ledge of self-pity. Or, possibly, shoving him off the ledge.

46:30 - I take that back. Carla is still awesome. The lesson? The less we know about characters, the better.

So? I especially liked the end, keeping the therapy private. It's insane, but it would feel like invading Sally's privacy. And even though she's a fictional character, she's still a 10-year-old going through therapy.  But the whole bit the Honda rocked, and it's kind of cool to see Pete stepping up.  Is he about to change from Fredo to Sonny?



* Sneaky-sleazy.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Vampire Weekend On The Move

FBers go HERE for video.

I have to admit, I've been a bit obsessed with Vampire Weekend this week(end). Even so, this is pretty cool -- the band plays a few songs while walking in Paris and then in a bar. I especially like the random guy listening to his headphones and ignoring the band playing at the next table. The rest of the songs can be found HERE.

Apparently this guy does this a variety of different music acts (Tom Jones!). Definitely a cool idea and worth checking out.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Star Wars As A Silent Movie

You know I love me some Star Wars. But in old-school B&W with silent-movie'ed piano soundtrack? Oh, yes.

FBers go HERE for video

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Mad Men Live Blogging - Season 4.4: The Rejected

Episode 4! I'm not even going to bother hoping Don gets his shit together. Let's just hope for no more disasters.

0:00 - Are there any sweeter words on basic cable than "brief nudity"?

1:30 - Don polished off the bourbon? Allison does NOT approve.

2:00 - I'm siding with Lee on this one. Bowling is NOT a sport. I do like the idea of the smoking horse, though.

3:00 - Hot psychologist is back! Yay! Also, nice work, Peggy.

5:15 - Don, here's some friendly advice. When your secretary, who you treated like a prostitute at CHRISTMAS, tries to extend a hand of friendship, don't be curt. Or if you must, explain that that time is a factor, you think fast, you talk fast, and you need her to act fast if she wants to get out of this.

6:30 - Pissy Pete is back. Hooray?

7:55 - Was photo editor woman checking Peggy out? And, fortunately, our brief nudity was female. Though quite artsy, I have to say.

10:30 - Smooth move by Pete to not take his opening and break the news.

12:00 - A little unknowing call-back to Pete's first(?) child with Peggy. But does this mean that Pete might stop being a sleazebag?

13:30 - Joan is not happy that she's not a hot young product tester anymore*.

14:30 - I like the voyeur element of these product tests. They also kind of remind me of suspect

17:30 - Peggy's right - Faye is amazing. She's playing these women like a cello.

18:00 - "It's worse when they notice sometimes" and the meaningful look at Don? If this were a Bruckheimer production, there'd be a meaningful chord.

21:00 - Don is clearly trying to develop a superpower to blend into the furniture as Allison rushes out. Peggy'll take care of it, though. She rocks.

22:00 - Orrrrrrrr not. Wow. That is not what I was expecting.

23:00 - Kenneth's back! And he got a pair!

25:15 - "My mom was a nurse at the state hospital in Vermont, and that was the last time I saw so many retarded people in one building." Nice! I'm using that.

29:00 - Excellent work, Allison! What kind of jackass won't even write a recommendation? Ugh.

30:40 - First Peggy watches Don's reaction to the explosion, then the LIFE magazine woman asks her out. A big day! And that is most definitely not a platonic invite. Will Peggy visit the Isle of Sapphos?

32:00 - Did Kenneth tell Pete where to find his balls?

35:00 - See, I thought in 1965 that boyfriends did own the va-jayjays. But noooo! Just renting!

37:30 - One great thing about the Live Blogging is you have an incentive to google the various cameos. Like David Kellogg.

41:30 - Is Peggy trying to be the better person, or just sticking it to Pete by making him so nervous? Right. I guess i's the former.

44:30 - Way to go, Don! Any doubt that you were the cause of Allison's breakdown is now gone. Also not really impressing Lady Dr. Phil.

46:00 - WTF was that between Pete and Peggy? Does she see him as her lost path to love and maternity?

What's the verdict? I think they've gotten their groove back. With some resolution of Allison's situation (let's hope she doesn't disappear) and Peggy getting some serious shades of gray in the process, I have to grade it:

* By the end of the episode, it's clear that she was pissed because she went from awesome to nonexistent in one episode.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Live Blogging - The Wizard of Oz Part 2

I'm back and ready to take all Glinda can throw at me! Will the Fab 4 meet the wizard? Will the Wicked Witch do anything other than stalk Dorothy and throw magical Molotov cocktails at the scarecrow? Will I realize there's no suspense in a movie that's 70 years old?

58:00 - Say what you will about the Wizard, but his city has polite, helpful and omnipresent cabbies. Though why does the horse switch from white to purple? Is that a movie or a DVD issue? Or is that what makes it "a different color"?

58:30 - Ok, it's gone to red and yellow, so it wasn't a mistake. That's gotta make it a bitch to find your horse in the stable, though.

58:45 - Oz is clearly starved for tourists to give a group of 4 the city-wide song-and-dance routine. This is like watching Kruschev visit Bucharest.

1:00:00 - The Witch is kind of a buzz kill, isn't she? I wonder if her last name is Kusyk? You have to give it to her for going with "Surrender Dorothy" instead of just "Die, Bitch".

1:02:00 - This whole song by the Lion seems more like a deleted scene than the real thing. I like the grass & flower cape, though.

1:04:00 - "What makes a king out of a slave?" I'd say a shiny hat and a big-ass army. Apparently, though, it's courage.

1:06:00 - The scene of the 4 walking down the hall is pretty fing cool. The Lion almost wetting himself kind of ruins it.

1:07:30 - Oz is pretty bad-ass, I have to admit. And he clearly has been a huge influence of the whole theory of job interviews -- making them wait, giving them much weaker positions, asking questions for which there are no right answers.

1:09:30 - Let me get this straight -- the "great and powerful" Oz needs a teenage girl to go off a rival and steal her broom?

1:10:15 - Where did Tin Man get the wrench? And the Scarecrow has a gun? And a net and "Witch Repellent"? At least we know where the Batman TV show got its ideas.

1:11:45 - They really should have played "Flight of the Valkyries" as the flying monkeys flew off. They deserve it, right? And is it just me, or do they look kind of bummed out to be sent on such a lame mission?

1:12:30 - The big question is, how did she break them of the feces-throwing habit? No matter, they get shit DONE.

1:14:00 - Toto coming out of the basket just emphasizes that he started the whole dog-as-fashion-accessory trend. I hope the Witch gets him.

1:16:00 - Mocking a crying Dorothy? Some say this is over the top, but the Witch sticks to her evil guns. I like it. But Dorothy should've listened to Gandalf and not looked in the palantir.

1:16:30 - "Is Dorothy at the old mill?" I never realized that Toto was Lassie before Lassie.

1:18:30 - The Witch has done a great job of training her guards to march and sing, but maybe she should've drilled them a bit more on what the shiny, pointy end of the sticks are for. The idiots throw theirs away before jumping on the 3 Stooges.

1:20:00 - Just a bit of "Night on Bald Mountain". That's some sweet tuneage.

1:22:45 - "How about a little fire, Scarecrow?" This is such an underrated line. Feel free to throw it out there when you buy a shot for someone. Especially if they've recently engaged in stumbulatory antics.

1:23:00 - A few substances that I do NOT keep in buckets around the house:

  • Phosphorous
  • Boric acid
  • Plutonium
  • Lye
On an unrelated note, the Witch apparently keeps buckets of water in her castle when even a small splash is enough to melt her. Dorothy is really leaving a trail of bodies in her wake, isn't she? I guess she's a serial manslaughtereress*

1:25:00 - "You've had plenty of time to think about it" -- what is the time frame of the movie, anyway? A week? A month?

1:25:10 - "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!"** I like to say this whenever I set off the alarms at airport security. They never get the reference, though. And does this mean that the doorman is really the Wizard, or were they just saving money on actors?

1:26:00 - What the hell is going on with the Wizard, anyway? Who built the contraptions? And how did he get his job?

1:27:30 - "Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable" -- that would make a good t-shirt.

1:29:00 - How old is the Wizard? He refers to Kansas as "The Western Wilderness".

1:29:45 - What were the people of Oz smoking to name him "Oz, the First Wizard Deluxe"?

1:31:45 - "But this could never be like Kansas." Really? Was it the magic, the colors, or the lack of a Great Depression that tipped you off?

1:32:30 - Ugh. Glinda shows up when there's a power vacuum -- big surprise. And why does Dorothy think Glinda can help her now, when the last time she admitted to being useless?

1:32:45 - Oh, right. Because Glinda is a lying bitch. "You have to learn it for yourself." What kind of crap magic are these shoes? And that's a great lesson -- you should never look for anything outside your neighborhood. Helllloooooo, isolationism!

1:33:30 - Of course, the real issue is that the Wizard is gone and Glinda needs to get rid of the hardass who just offed the "Wicked" Witches of the East and West.

1:36:45 - "Does anyone believe me?" "Of course we believe you" -- I'm pretty sure he was dialing for the padded wagon as he said this.

So? The verdict? I'd have to give it:

Sure, it's corny, overwhelmed with song/dance, but it's entertaining, hilarious, and the flying monkeys still rock.

* Witchslaughteress?
** Frank Morgan is great and all, but WC Fields would've been AWESOME as the Wizard.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Live Blogging - The Wizard of Oz Part 1

Go to for the original photo

Ok, it's in my Top 10 (maybe Top 5) of movies, and I haven't seen it for over 10 years. The last time was in the theater, and I still remember this review (which is a hilarious list of reasons why the movie scared him as a kid). Go, read it, laugh, then come back. If I refer back to it without quoting, it's an homage, not stealing.

0:00 - Is it true that Judy Garland demanded a rug made out of the MGM lion during one of her benders?

0:30 - Is the production company, Loew's Inc., a forerunner of Loew's the DIY store?

1:00 - If you're watching this with Pink Floyd in the background, you need to light up your joint... now.

2:00 - I wish movies today had dedications. I'm betting Transformers 2's would read "To Old Scratch, without your contract, I never could have made it big -- Michael Bay"

3:00 - Just how many amphetamines did Garland take before filming? She's like a hummingbird on Red Bull.

3:30 - "Your head ain't made out of straw, you know." A pretty funny throwaway line there.  Probably just Kansas humor, I wouldn't pay any attention to it.

4:00 - Dorothy just fell into what is apparently the world's only sterile pig pen. Too bad she missed that lecture about being brave while she was walking the rails like Frauzi.

5:00 - "Feed the hogs before they worry themselves into anemia." How is that not as famous as "I'll get you, my pretties!"?

5:30 - First song, and it's "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." It's amazing: she looks 16, acts 12, and sings like she's 30.

7:30 - What happened to sepia tone, anyway? I think Iron Man 2 would've looked great in Sepiavision.

9:30 - I have to admit, this whole Kansas scene totally slipped my mind. I forgot that Kansas-witch wanted to kill Toto. Apparently Kansas during the Great Depression wasn't as wonderful as I've heard.

12:00 - This Professor seems a bit shady (in a harmless way). Even by carny standards.

13:00 - Do we ever find out what happened to Dorothy's real parents? Or did Em & Henry just claim they were Dorothy's aunt and uncle as some kind of bizarre Midwestern joke on their daughter?

15:00 - In the pitch for "Twister", they said, "do you remember the 2 minute tornado scene from 'The Wizard of Oz'? Don't you wish it'd lasted 90 minutes?"  Yes, and no.

18:50 - OK, the whole change-to-color bit is pretty cool. Of course, it can also be seen as the utopia resulting from an uprising of the people.

20:00 - "Now I know we're not in Kansas" Not what we all remember, but fine. Now, was it the bubble or the big-ass dress that tipped off Dorothy?

20:50 - What kind of crap witch is Glinda? "Are you a good witch or a bad witch?" followed by "Only bad witches are ugly." This implies that a) Glinda is unsure if Dorothy is ugly* or b) that Glinda is a shallow moron. I'm going with b).

21:50 - "What are Munchkins?" They're donut holes, and damn tasty!

22:30 - Say what you will about the Munchkins, but they have great facial hair and they know how to welcome a witch.

26:45 - I always zone out during the song and dance, except for The Lollipop Guild. I still can't figure out why they talk out of the sides of their mouths.

27:30 - I love the panicked look on Dorothy's face when she hears the word "bust". Heh.

29:30 - "I'll get you my pretty - and your little dog, too!" Kind of the "hasta la vista, baby" of the late 30s.

30:30 - Glinda is such a lying bitch. She claims that only the Wizard might know how to get home, yet at the end she tells Dorothy that she could go home anytime. Ugh. And why doesn't she have a broomstick? I hate her.

31:00 - "Never let the ruby slippers off your feet." Ouch. I hope they stay magically fresh. Otherwise, this could get ugly.

31:30 - Does Dorothy really need 3 Munchkins in a row to tell her, and I quote, "Follow the yellow brick road"?

32:00 - Where does the red brick road go**? And what kind of propaganda machine does the Wizard have to get his subjects to sing?  Not even Soviets serenaded visitors with "The Stalin Samba"

32:30 - Surprise, surprise. Glinda the Good Moron of the North didn't mention the crossroads.

33:30 - "Some people without brains do an awful lot of talking" -- seems like they missed an easy shot at politicians there.

35:00 - It's one thing to be bad at your job. It's a whole different story to be bad at your NAME. I'm proud to say that I kick ass at JTing.

36:30 - I love how Dorothy cons the Scarecrow into believing he'll get a brain, THEN mentions, offhand, that she has a witch mad at her.  Solid salesgirlship.

37:00 - "I won't try to manage things, because I can't think" -- that didn't stop most of the managers I've seen.

37:45 - The Witch is hiding behind a tree?  Really?

40:00 - The whole lubeing-up-the-Tin-Man scene is a bit overloaded with innuendo. "Perfect? Bang on my chest if you think I'm perfect" -- said in the throatiest voice possible.

43:00 - Dorothy whispers "He's soooo gay" to the Scarecrow after hearing "I'd be friends with the sparrows (and the boy who shoots the arrows)... if only I had a heart!" and "I'd like it with a zipper"

44:00 - What's the deal between the Witch and the Wizard, anyway? Jilted lovers? Power struggle? Arguing over who gets to whack Glinda?

46:50 - "Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!" leads to my favorite of the 4, the lion. I think Chris Farley would've made a great lion in a remake.

48:00 - The guy with the axe is scared of the lion, and he thinks he needs a heart? Maybe a new set of ball bearings would be more useful.

49:30 - "Don't you think the Wizard could help him, too?" "I don't see why not!" Of course not -- you've suckered the first two in with promises that you can't back up. Why not a third?

51:10 - Hooray for flying monkeys! Forget Boba Fett, these guys are the coolest bad guys in film. With faux-hawks and everything!

52:00 - Of course, the Witch has no way of knowing that Dorothy has developed quite a tolerance for the poppy.

54:00 - Is the snow cocaine to counteract the opium?  OK, I'll ease up on the Dorothy drug jokes for now.

56:30 - "Nobody's ever seen the Great Oz!" That's a sweet government you've got there, Hair Boy.

Annnnnddddd... with their entry into the Emerald City, I'm going to call it a night.  Come back tomorrow-ish for part 2, where we'll travel to the Witch's castle and ponder why Superman didn't keep a bucket o' kryptonite in the Fortress of Solitude.

* And that Toto might be beautiful, since she thinks he's a witch, too. Apparently witch school is a safety school for most.
** I'm betting Moscow.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Mad Men Live Blogging - Season 4.3: The Good News

Will Don bounce back from the depths? And what is "The Good News"? Is someone finding religion? Or is Peggy, Joan or Don's secretary knocked up? Good Lord, this sounds like a soap opera now.

Cocktail of the Week: Bloody Mary*

1:00 - I'm pretty sure Mad Men is the only show I've seen with one, much less two, scene(s) in a gynecologist's office. It's now also the only one to have a character admit to having not one, but two, abortions. And one done by a self-proclaimed midwife! Well, I guess that's life in pre- (and, likely, post-) Roe v. Wade

3:00 - Aaagh! Allison. At least it's not awkward. Oh, wait, it is. How could the suavest man on the planet fall so low. He's definitely lost his mo-jo.

5:00 - Does Lane miss out on Joan's "breast or thigh" double entendre because he's worried about his family or because he's English? Either way, he's going to regret it.

6:15 - Ah, the 60s. Everyone on the plane is dressed up. The last few times I flew this year I wore shorts and flip flops.

8:15 - A cute young girl in a bikini and shorts designed to create a FUPA. How long until "Dick" hits on her? Especially since Anna is pushing for it.

10:30 - Is it any surprise that Dr. Clueless assumes that enlisting in the Army in 1964 will NOT lead to Vietnam? The telegram to Joan this season or next is going to be one of the highlights of the series for me.

12:30 - "Dick" wants to bring out the kids? To meet the wife of the dead man whose name he stole? Good plan.

16:45 - Don gets the "what are you doing?" as he makes the move. Though, I have to say, he probably won't care about the rejection now that he finds out that the only person who loves him for him is dying of cancer. And she hasn't been told. Ah, the 60s.

25:00 - Don was going to change his flight to hook up, and instead gets lectured for not wearing pants while painting. But the big question is, should he keep quiet about her cancer and go back to being "the man in the room with the check"? Of course, he goes with being quiet. The old Don never would've been cowed by the sister.

28:00 - Exchange of the episode: "The fact that you're the kind of person that can't accept blame is egregious." "I... don't know what that means" "It means I can't believe I hired you."

28:30 - On the list of worst things to put on an apology note to a platonic coworker that gets sent to the wife by accident, I think "Joan, forgive me." is near the top. Note to self: make all non-wife/gf apology notes explicit.

31:00 - To all my doctor friends, is asking your doctor hubby to take you to the hospital when you cut your finger more or less emasculating than, say, announcing that said doctor hubby has a small penis?

33:30 - For a raping sleazebag of a husband, he does have a good moment here.

37:00 - Don and Lane drinking at the Godzilla knockoff is pretty freakin' sweet. Being told you remind someone of a guy "who died in a motorcycle crash"? Not so freakin' sweet.

39:30 - Does Lane know that Don's "lady friend" will be "working" on New Year's? Does he care?

43:00 - Did Don ask for the slapping treatment on the couch? I'm thinking yes.

44:00 - Is anyone surprised that Lane leaves the bedroom with his full three-piece suit intact?

45:00 - Joan begins 1965 by leading the meeting at the head of the table. I like it.

So, the verdict? I'd say this was probably Joan's best episode, ever. I also don't think it's a coincidence that Peggy is a cameo, at best. Overall? I'd give it a...


* Virgin -- I'm watching this before work.