Friday, February 29, 2008

How To Let The World Know You're A Jackass, Part 32:

Spray paint your name repeatedly alongside a building.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

I Don't Think They Understand The Word "Unique"

In a recent work training, I encountered this tidbit:

Each of Citi's 340,000 employees has the unique goal of making...

I'm pretty sure if 339,999 employees (it's not MY goal) share a goal, it's not UNIQUE

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The Dorf's Just a Town for Dogs and Drunks

Why do I say this? Thanks to Jules, I saw this CNN article about how the cops in the Dorf have outfitted the police dogs (German: Der Baconhuende) with shoes because of all the drunks who just break their beer bottles on the streets (and they're cobblestone, not pebbles).

I do take offense to this: "In addition, hooligans and vandals leave behind glass shards around New Year's Eve and during the city's famous Carnival celebrations."

I'm not a hooligan, I'm just too lazy to carry the bottle 5 feet to the nearest trash can.

Monday, February 25, 2008

And They Wonder Why the Kosovars Want to Break Up

For some reason, after spending most of the last decade and a half trying to kill or rape every man, woman, child and dog in Kosovo, the Serbians can't understand why Kosovo declared independence. Perhaps these tidbits might clue them in:

'Serbian Foreign Minister Vuk Jeremic, said: "Those scenes that we saw are regrettable. The Serbian government has repeated time and time again that any solution to the Kosovo problem -- other than peaceful and mutually accepted a compromise solution -- would lead to instability in the region. Unfortunately, this fell on deaf ears." "
-- They're not deaf, jackass. You just carved them off during your "cleansing".

'Nikola Jovanovic, a political writer for the newspaper Blic, said two floors of the embassy were burned. He estimated about 50 people, including 15 police officers, were injured.
"You could say the American embassy is trashed in this protest," he said.'
-- Zing! Nice line. I'm sure witty bon mots such as this really get the crowds going at the hate rallies and unemployment lines.

My favorite, though, is:
Kostunica, who earlier addressed the peaceful rally, said "Kosovo is Serbia's first name."
-- He followed it up by saying, "And I would rather dismember my first name than live with it peacefully.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Weekend Recap

To answer Sean's question in detail, I'm not working shifts. But we are converting to a new system, and this summer is the target, so we are testing and practicing to get it right. Here's a rundown of my schedule this weekend:

10:00 am: Call-in to make sure all is on schedule. It is.
11:20 am: Get on the train to Duisburg to check issues there.
2:30 pm: Head home, get a workout in.
8:00 pm: Try to get some sleep. Fail.
9-11 pm: Ditto, add "control increasing rage"
12 mid: Another status call to prevent sleep
1:55 am: Get on the bike & haul ass to work (record time with no traffic!). Check issues that have since arisen.
6:00 am: Try not to kill administrators that want me to be onsite for the delayed-by-2-hours decision call.
8:00 am: Decision call, with me reminiscent of the antagonists in "Dawn of the Dead"
8:15 am: Head home on the bike, riding one-handed as my right middle finger is permanently extended.

Actually, it wasn't too bad. I was zonked on Sunday, but getting another vacation day (maybe to be used in newly independent Kosovo?) might make it worth it.
Urge to Kill... Rising

2am-6am became 2am-8am. kill me now.
This Is Why I Don't Watch Movies in the Morning

Unable to nap before my 2am-6am shift (I am enjoying my new job in the flesh trade, incidentally), I decided to watch "The Return of the King". Bad Idea Jeans -- now I'm going to have to wait until tomorrow (later today?) to see the rest of it. On the bright side, seeing Frodo as a corpse wrapped in spider webs was like watching video of how I feel. Good times.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

You Had Me at "Indiana Jones"

There are plenty of versions of this on youtube, and the movie itself might suck, but the music sure makes me feel like I'm 9 again.

I do feel kind of shafted that half the trailer is scenes from the first 3 movies, though...

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Apocalypse Averted

After 13 days of sunny weather, I was beginning to be worried that Jesus was finally packing his bags for his triumphant return to Earth. However, today the Dorf did its part in adverting the end of the world by returning to form and bringing back the status quo of gray skies and drizzle. In other words, we're taking one for the team. Be thankful, you godless bastards.

Friday, February 15, 2008

My Opening Statement Before the Congressional Hearing

Some of you may have heard the allegations that my blogging prowess and continued hilarity over the last 5 has been due to performance-enhancing drugs. This is patently untrue. The injections I received in my buttocks from an unlicensed, non-medical professional in the privacy of an alley behind the train station were merely a mixture of vitamin B12, rose hips and cinnamon (it adds the appearance of sweetness without sugar). I took these injections based on the solid medical advice of my grandmother, who regularly watched "Marcus Wellby, M.D." and "Quincy, M.E." and was married to a pharmacist for OVER 50 YEARS. There is absolutely no evidence that I took HHGH (Human Humor Growth Hormone) or witabolic steroids and the public bouts of "anger" I have shown recently are a response to man's inhumanity to man, not "roid rage". I will continue to strongly refute these allegations at all opportunities that don't involve a lie detector.

Further, any discussions that Chad, Brent or the other Lemurs might "recall" are unfortunate instances of their poor memory or general unreliability. Statements they claim I made, such as "I take HHGH injections regularly," "I need to get some more 'roids before this next post" or "I hope this isn't being taped", are clearly erroneous and/or taken out of context. Also, they're all shifty, no-good liars. But we're still very good friends and I look forward to socializing with them often at Jose Canseco's house.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Mmmmm... Dublin

When I went to Dublin, I expected every pint of Guinness to be amazing. This was quickly held up by my first pint. Unfortunately, this is a myth. Guinness is not better in Dublin -- it's better at SOME pubs in Dublin. I did my part as your investigative blogger and found that roughly half of the pubs you see serve the same Guinness you get in Dallas or the 'dorf. As usual, pics at

What else is there in Dublin? Rain, obviously. A nice little river and lots of old buildings.

They have Trinity College, which was founded to save the Irish from 'popery'. That didn't quite work out, but it does have a nifty college seal (which must be intact for transcripts to be official).

Because so many tourists are from countries that drive on the RIGHT side of the road, the Dublin police felt it necessary to add these helpful tips at EVERY crossing.
Happy Hallmark Day!

For the first time in a while, I'm not wasting money on Valentine's Day. Here in Germany, it's really not that big of a deal. Unlike, say, Saudi Arabia. When I first read this article about how the government doesn't allow sales of Valentine's-related paraphernalia, I thought, "Great!" Then I got to this line about the lengths florists go to to avoid detection:

"Sometimes we deliver the bouquets in the middle of the night or early morning, to avoid suspicion,"

Clearly, delivering flowers in the middle of the night isn't suspicious. But, that's not an issue in the 'dorf. I'm here, safe from any of the flower police that might come looking.

Friday, February 08, 2008

2008 Travels, Trip 1: Luxembourg and Metz
Traveling to Luxembourg is like a Houstonian going to Dallas -- it's cleaner, the people are cooler, and I wish I lived there. Alas, I am but a traveler in Europe's wealthiest "country" (argue the quote marks after you've been there). This time, however, we decided to take a sidetrip to Metz! Why Metz? To help a friend of a friend move a fridge (and an oven, washing machine, bed, and desk). Why does he need help? Because he's on the fifth floor and is unable to help carry his own appliances!

However, one can only move so many items before feeling the need for culture. Metz, in addition to strangers needing unoffered help in moving, also has a cathedral.

Notre Dame? Nope, just the interior of the Metz cathedral. I'm betting the architects of each met for coffee.

And what cathedral would be complete without a statue of a man stroking his beard?

The real highlight, as any art history major or homeless post-modernist art critic can tell you, is the series of Marc Chagall stained glass windows. They are, in a rare departure from most post-1950 art, quite beautiful. The colors and shapes bring forth a feeling of... sorry, felt myself slipping into art historian bullshitter mode. Just go to for all the pics.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Quote Mania

I think it's bullshit that if you remember lines from "The Simpsons", "Seinfeld", "Star Wars", etc. then you are a derivative, uncouth NERD. But if you quote someone who is dead, then you are LITERARY.

To add some culture to my nerdy persona, I'm learning a new quote per week for the year (or Lent, depending on laziness). This week's is courtesy of St. Patrick's Cathedral in Dublin, from one of my favorite writers (also a longtime head of the cathedral and general smartass).

"We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another." Jonathan Swift