Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Honey Badger

FBers go HERE for video.

This is the real thing, not Milhouse. I'm pretty sure its wallet says, "Bad Mother Fucker". Still, the narration is what makes it hi-larious.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Easter Special: Handel's Hallelujah Chorus

FBers go HERE for video.

I recorded the end of mass from St. Stephen's Basilica in Budapest on Easter Sunday. I would've recorded the whole thing, but not many of my readers can speak Hungarian. Including me.

30 Rock Live Blogging: Facebook Status Updates - 100

30 Rock is hitting episode 100! It's a clip show, but I'm only doing new quips, not old ones. Unless, of course, I change my mind.

Acceptable Status Updates:
  • needs to turn the butterfly back into a drunk, incompetent caterpillar
  • wore it best
  • is a true artist -- he feels things you don't
  • is still magnificent
  • made the cover of
      Meetings Magazine
  • can't stop all the horrible respect people have for me
  • thinks this is as crazy as a woman's right to choose... her haircut
  • needs to kick ass again -- start by getting rid of the woman

UNacceptable Status Updates:
  • thought this was a family, but he guesses it's that Austrian family...
  • has a new hair -- it's white and it hurts, but...
  • makes great chili and doesn't care if you watch tv during sex
  • borrowed your whale-semen candle
  • is a cook in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen

Monday, April 25, 2011

Illiterate or Just Dutch?

When I first saw this in Amsterdam's Schiphol airport, I thought, "Maybe American Express should splurge for a better English translator." Then I realized, no, it's just Dutch. FBers go HERE for the photo.

Sunday, April 24, 2011


Maybe Germans do have a sense of humor after all*... FBers go HERE for video.

* If you're German and you're about to comment/write/complain that Germans do have a sense of humor, you should know that I'm kidding and by not knowing that, you're proving my point.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Date Me, Marry The Next Guy

After dinner with an ex* this week, I realized that 4 of my last 5 exes have gotten married (or moved in with) their next boyfriend less than a year after we broke up. I have three theories about this.

  1. After dating me, the bar has been set so low that the woman will marry/shack up with whatever semi-decent guy she dates next (the glass half-empty).
  2. After dating me, she realizes that it's going to be impossible to find a better man**, and she commits to the next guy she dates (the glass half-full).
  3. It's just a coincidence (Schrödinger's glass***)

Now, those of you who know me well**** will quickly know which theory I believe. But the rest of you can guess.

* If you're thinking to yourself, "I didn't have dinner with JT this week", then it's a different ex. I'm developing a nice little collection! OK, "nice" isn't the word I originally chose. But whatever.
** Cue Pearl Jam. Or, if you have no taste, Robbie Williams.
*** Yeah, I know this isn't even vaguely similar to his cat.  But I liked how it sounded.
**** And I appreciate your judge sentencing you to community service so we could get to know each other.

Friday, April 22, 2011

I Found My Motto

It's a mural on the side of a wine market -- I think it fits me pretty well!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Behavior Unsuitable For Milan?

FBers go HERE for snarky links. Nothing makes me happier than a chance to mock Silvio "Il Jackasso" Belusconi, and he rarely misses an opportunity to let me do so. Since he also owns AC Milan, one of the douchiest teams in the world, this helps. He recently commented on the known partier, Mario Balotelli.

"There is a Milan style of behavior that I don't think is very close to that of Balotelli," said Berlusconi. "Every now and then, he has a bit of a distraction. I don't think his style suits us."

So, here are my thoughts as to why his style suits Il Jackasso:

Any ONE of these would be a dealbreaker, but all 4? He's probably not even a fan of heads-of-state using their control of mass media to self-promote or to keep opposition politicians off the air. Clearly, he's not Milan material.

Strohs Spoken Here

No, seriously, in the 'dorf, not far from Chez T.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

30 Rock Live Blogging: Facebook Status Updates - I Heart Connecticut

A good episode, but not nearly as status updateable as previous ones. Enjoy!

Acceptable Status Updates:
  • is going to call tomorrow -- it's my lizard's birthday
  • has a backup to his backup
  • is attending New York Pizza Academy
  • just defeated Moammar Gaddafi in arm wrestling -- by the transitive property
  • is actually an 11
  • is pretending to be his own wax figure at Madame Tussauds*
  • has a refrigerator just for sodas

UNacceptable Status Updates:
  • is like Cagney & Lacey -- without the slutty clothes
  • is bringing the world's greatest encyclopedia -- his mind
  • ate a swordfish steak at a strip club
  • grabbed a cop's gun & shot a blimp
  • never thought he would feel sorry for a guy with a tattoo of a leprechaun vomiting on a book
  • wore a penis hat to Princess Di's funeral
  • is going to attack the Lincoln Memorial with a hammer

* I had to google the spelling and was shocked to find out there's no apostrophe

Monday, April 18, 2011

Spring Is Here!

And so I bring you tulips! FBers go HERE for photos

Warning: Creepy Kid Crossing

The goofy dude is a fairly common sign, but what's up with the little girl? She looks like she's been possessed. And is that a balloon she's holding or a big-ass lollipop? Either way, I was glad we quickly passed what I'm assuming is the Polish version of Children of the Corn.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Courtesy of Lufthansa

Ahhhh, the joys of flying Lufthansa -- you can check a bag, you get a snack and free papers to read. Just check out the selection they offered before my flight from Katowice to the 'dorf:

I opted to read my news online when I landed.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Is This Normally a Problem?

While booking my flight to Belgrade on JAT Airlines*, I had this warning pop up:

Surfboards cannot be transported with skis and/or snowboards

I had two thoughts:
1) Serbia is land-locked, where are these guys surfing?
2) How many passengers do they have that are looking to combine skiing and surfing in one trip?

So, I will definitely be on the lookout for the surf scene while in Belgrade. Sadly, that's 2 months away.

* No, their motto is NOT "Ethnically clean since '99!"

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Don't Hate The Player...

So, my quiet, mellow coworker* apparently had some game back in the day. When asked how they met, Albert & Isabella X** had this story...

Albert was at a party in college, getting drinks for himself and a friend, and he spied a hot woman across the room who was CLEARLY pissed off because her date was late/bailing/dead. So, does he chat her up? Perhaps throw the missing jackhole under the bus? No. He goes to her, says nothing, hands her his friend's drink and walks off. Her interest piqued, they meet up later in the evening. Now, being a poor college student, Albert doesn't have the makings of a fancy drink like a "tequila shot"***. He has the tequila, but that's it. So, does he give up, or does he wing it and get lucky? He improvises banana and cinnamon to go with the tequila. Does it work? Only for 12 years. And counting. Nice work, "Albert"!

* Seriously, he's so mild-mannered I thought he might be an alter-ego for a super hero
** Not their real names
*** For those of you who didn't attend college, a tequila shot requires 1) tequila 2) a lime wedge and 3) salt

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Spring Travel Schedule

OK, I've been on a trip-planning binge, and here's the semi-final plan for the next 3 months. If you're interested in joining, just let me know. I mainly provide the list so Steve will know when to visit the 'dorf.

April 15-17: Krakow, Poland -- Benny's bachelor party. Sure to be filled with intellectual conversation, good food and history. Well, 1 out of 3, at least.

April 21-24: Budapest, Hungary -- One of my favorite cities should a good spot to spend Easter.

April 28-April 30: Bibione, Italy -- The annual beach tournament will be my first competitive ultimate in almost 10 months. Prepare for extreme suckage!

May 13-15: Cork, Ireland -- Benny's wedding! Also Murphy's and maybe the Cork Butter Museum. The dream lives!

May 21-24: Prague, Czech Rep -- A cheap flight means that I finally make the Czech Beer Fest. Also a bike tour and lots of tasty food.

June 2-5: Belgrade, Serbia -- I've never been to Serbia, so why not now? Gotta take advantage of the random Catholic holiday, right?

June 17-19: Amsterdam -- The annual Windmill Windup tournament, so I probably won't see much of the city, but it should still be fun. Gotta love playing with deLux!

The rest of the year is still up for grabs, so feel free to offer suggestions!

Monday, April 11, 2011

Room For Improvement: Exes

I got this email from a friend on Friday:

So my ex-girlfriend Ms. X (the Brazilian), who thinks the world of me has decided to 'hook' me up with two of her friends. A 25 yo university student (and single mom) and a 22 yo party girl. Now way out of my age range, but they are both way hot.

Now, in comparison, my exes are an incredibly useless bunch* -- not a setup yet.** So, I've decided to move "willingness to hook me up with her hot friends after breakup" to the top of the list of what I'm looking for. After all, if it's not going to work out, I should plan ahead, right?

* I probably don't need to add "in comparison"
** To be fair, I haven't set any of them up, either. But this blog isn't about fairness.

Friday, April 08, 2011

I've Never Wanted A Smartphone So Much...

As when I saw the post on* about finally being able to dump friends on the go. This is PERFECT for me! Sure, access to Google Maps would be cool, Angry Birds looks fun, but getting rid of faux friends on the go? That's pretty much a dream feature. Congrats, Facebook, you've finally provided the killer app that will drive me to get an iPhone.

As for you, outdated Facebook friends, get ready for unfriending!

* I mooched the graphic from there, too. Thanks, CNN!

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Is It Just Me?

Or does having a golfer on the Viagra ad lead to an endless series of Tiger Woods jokes?

And the tagline: 18th hole, 2nd shot, down by a stroke - What do you do?

I mean, seriously? Obviously, you pop a blue pill and go cheat on your hot wife with porn stars. Do you really need to ask?

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

This Guy Thinks He Should Be President?

Donald Trump, professional bankruptcy-filer-extraordinaire, tried to boost his standing as a Presidential candidate by claiming that he has foreign policy experience by selling expensive land to various heads of state. He specifically mentioned a deal with everyone's favorite drapes-model, Moammer Gadhafi:

"I rented him a piece of land. He paid me more for one night than the land was worth for two years, and then I didn't let him use the land," Trump boasted. "That's what we should be doing. I don't want to use the word 'screwed', but I screwed him."

Look, "The Donald", we know you're rich and really good at being a self-centered asshole. You're not a particularly good businessman*, and you're not a leader. We've had a rich asshole as President recently, and we are stuck in 2 wars because of him, along with the biggest budget defecits** ever. So, we'll pass on trying it again. However, we would like you to have some lovely parting gifts, including a goddamn clue about how silly your hair looks.

* If several of your companies file for bankruptcy, you suck. You may be rich with connections, but you're not a business genius.
** OK, Congress from 2000-2008 deserves a big chunk of the blame here, but can't we just focus on mocking The Douche?

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

The Oversleeping Paradox

I didn't sleep well over the weekend, so I was pretty exhausted Sunday night. I woke up Monday BEFORE my alarm, which is a fairly rare thing, especially when you factor in it being a Monday. I checked my watch and realized I hadn't woken up early -- it was 9:30. Then I realized I'd not set my alarm. I was then simultaneously pleased with the much-needed rest and annoyed at being late on a day I'd hoped to arrive early. And that, dear readers, is the the Oversleeping Paradox.

Sunday, April 03, 2011

NOT An April Fool's Post!

What's the first thing you think of when you are thinking of buying tickets to a Premier League match instead of watching from home*? Obviously, the answer is, "Does the stadium have a statue of Michael Jackson?" In Fulham's case, the answer is now "yes". How does owner Mohamed Al Fayed explain this?

"Why is it bizarre? Football fans love it. If some stupid fans don't understand and appreciate such a gift, they can go to hell. I don't want them to be fans. If they don't understand and don't believe in things I believe in, they can go to Chelsea, they can go to anywhere else."

Chelsea is, of course, the geographically closest Premiership team to Fulham, though they are wayyyyy better. The owner does claim "People will queue to come and visit it from all over Britain and it is something that I and everybody else should be proud of."

In other words: suck it, fans. I think he's ready to be an NFL owner!

* Or, if you're a traditionalist, the local**
** Brit-speak for a local pub

Night of the Museums 2011

Filthy FBers go HERE for photos*
It's time for Night of the Museums again, and this time I went with an almost all-new plan. I hit 13 spots, but none of the big ones (except the city museum). There was plenty of mocking by me, the smallest sampling of which I tried to capture in the (mostly) snarky photo captions.

* This phrase copyright The Summer of Steve

Saturday, April 02, 2011

A Clarification

So, some of you seem to have missed the correlation between the date of my post on April 1 and the content. Just to be abso-fing-lutely clear, I'm NOT going to be kinder, less cynical or more loving until Easter. I mean, "Enjoy the heartfelt joy"? C'mon. JFC, that is clearly not me.

I'm saddened most, not that no one* knew that it was a lame prank, by the no one asking if I'd recently suffered a major head injury**. I thought I'd trained you lot better. Clearly, you're either bleeding-heart sentimentalists or just very, very slow learners. Or both.

* other than Carrrllllll, I'm assuming
** Clearly the only other explanation for such sentimental pap.

30 Rock Live Blogging: Facebook Status Updates - Plan B

Sorry for the delay! I had some logistical problems but, to quote Lando, "I've just made a deal that will keep the Empire out of here forever." Hooray!

Acceptable Status Updates:
  • is doing God's work -- yesterday he kicked two naked people out of a garden
  • is going on a forced hiatus
  • is power wagging
  • 's Plan B is something with vampires -- everything has vampires
  • is, pardon his French, bonjour
  • senses something, a presence he hasn't felt since...
  • 's cheekbones are like granite
  • thinks licking an envelope is a sin -- unless you're married to it

UNacceptable Status Updates:
  • click-click-click -- that's right, JT just put you in your place in African
  • is an oxymoron, like liberal government, female scientists or Princeton football
  • is watching Gay SportsCenter
  • is a gay shark
  • is on LinkedIn -- he might as well be dead
  • wonders why no one will poke him -- he's cool
  • married a shiny black dancer named Cashmere and mixed our sperm together so we wouldn't know whose baby was whose
  • is exploding -- and not in a good way
  • is a straight shooter -- except at the urinal
  • charges $5,000 for kissing, $10,000 for snuggling -- end of list

Friday, April 01, 2011

A Kindler, Gentler Blog -- For Now

This is a bit late, but I kept forgetting to post it. A few friends have complained that I've been more cynical and sarcastic this year, especially in regards to my love life. So, for Lent, I've decided to give that up. I'm going back to being sunny, optimistic JT -- the one you all know and love*. Enjoy the heartfelt joy, at least until Easter!

* Well, the one you know and love if you knew me in 1st grade

International BFFs!

Let's be honest: this situation in Libya has got to change. Who can convince Gaddafi* to step down? He's pretty much hated in the Middle East (for being such a douchebag that even the repressive regimes in the Arab League wanted the West to step in), and no one in the industrialized world wants to hang out with a guy wearing drapes.

No one, that is, except everyone's favorite sleazebag-in-chief, Silvio Berlusconi:

He and Gaddafi have been tight ever since they realized that they both enjoy using their power to surround themselves with hot women -- Gaddafi with his female bodyguards and Ukrainian nurses and Berlusconi with his political appointees, under-18 party guests and prostitutes.

So, Silvio, step up to the plate and invite your buddy to live in exile at one of your estates filled with young hotties. They won't mind, since they're getting paid, and he can finally hang out with women that don't mind him dressing like my high school history teacher.

Let's close with a dance number!

* Don't even get me started about the 9000 ways to spell his name